My attributing the decline of the culture to the loss of “family meal” time (see post category below) may be a stretch for some, but such losses accumulate and correlate with other problems. Nothing happens in a vacuum.
Eating dinner together as a family isn’t just an isolated event. No matter how tense it may be, sitting down with your family at meal times gives everyone a chance to talk and/or spend time together in an overscheduled world. Parents’ job is to teach and civilize their kids. Using a knife and fork properly, making conversation with and listening to others, and compromising (Can’t you hear your mothers now? “You’ll eat what I cook!”) — these are just a few important lessons kids learn when they share meals with the family.
We don’t need a study to understand that values are passed down and reinforced through this ritual. But, alas, there is a study. From TIME:
The most probing study of family eating patterns was published last year by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University and reflects nearly a decade’s worth of data gathering.
…
[T]here is something about a shared meal–not some holiday blowout, not once in a while but regularly, reliably–that anchors a family even on nights when the food is fast and the talk cheap and everyone has someplace else they’d rather be. And on those evenings when the mood is right and the family lingers, caught up in an idea or an argument explored in a shared safe place where no one is stupid or shy or ashamed, you get a glimpse of the power of this habit and why social scientists say such communion acts as a kind of vaccine, protecting kids from all manner of harm.
The rest of the article summarizes CASA’s and other studies’ findings. For instance, family meals have a positive effect on kids. Eating together doesn’t cause kids to drink less, do better in school, etc., but it is certainly correlated with those things.
I’ve noticed a trend in the social sciences arena. Everything old is new again. When it comes to raising children, researchers are yielding all kind of common sense results. After decades of permissiveness and the “do what feels good” mantra, people finally realize that “traditional values” are good for children. One may even say they are ideal. Once you’re an adult, you can do what feels good. But that’s not how most people I know raise their children. “Do as I say, not as I do/have done,” is the usual theme. For instance, most fathers I know who’re raising young daughters are nervous about their daughters’ future dating adventures. Why? I’ll let readers who are fathers of daughters answer that question.
Anyone who’s raised or spent time around children know the little creatures don’t need to be taught selfishness and rudeness. They’ve got those down pat! They must be taught how to be kind and to share. Thoughtfulness must be cultivated and encouraged. Teaching kids “good values” is more difficult when children don’t spend time with the family or when they grow up in broken families.
It is almost cliché to say, “Families are important,” but family creation is becoming a lost art. These days, in certain communities, childbearing is disconnected from family creation. Back in the day, people made a nest, if you will, to lay their eggs. It’s crucial to a child’s development that he have a nurturing and safe place to stumble as he grows and learns how to cope with life. For a primer on the importance of nest-building, consult our tiny-brained friends, the birds.
Human females should spend time observing what female birds do instinctively.
(As an aside, I was pleased as punch that someone quoted in TIME, an anthropologist from Rutgers, no doubt, used the term “American Indians” in reference to American Indians, instead of Native American, which describes anyone born in America.)
Update: An excerpt from an article by Joseph C. Phillips on “soul food”:
Soul food has been unfairly labeled as unsophisticated and unhealthy fare — peasant food cooked in pork fat. That, however, misses the true essence of the food. Not only has the cuisine evolved, incorporating dishes from Haiti, Jamaica and the West Indies, it has also adapted to America’s more health-conscience habits. Chefs and home cooks are finding ways to prepare traditional dishes without the addition of meats, lighter oils like canola are now used instead of lard and turkey has replaced pork.
…
The story begins in the plantation kitchen. English recipes, influenced by French techniques, with Native American ingredients, all prepared with an African sensibility by African hands. These same hands took the leftovers from those kitchens, along with inferior cuts of meat, vegetables grown in small gardens, and fresh fish, possum, rabbit and squirrel — the only quarry available to hunters during the evening after a long days work — and created magic.
{ 17 comments }
I dread the day that I have a daughter, because it means she will grow up and then I have to worry about boys like I was messing around with her. And because I am brutally over-protective of my family (I once broke someone’s knee for bullying my brother in highschool) I know I will have a hard time keeping my temper in check.
Lord give me sons!
It all comes down to quantity time. Raising children can’t be scheduled, and, contrary to what television would have us believe, effective parenting generally doesn’t happen during heart-to-heart talks in a child’s bedroom.
It’s a nudge here, a correction there. Small gestures and glances, and patience. Lots of patience. Much of parenting is about watching and waiting for those brief moments when you can fill in the gaps.
Say it with me: consistency.
Billy – If your future daughter grows up in the care of a dad like you who loves and serves the Lord, she’ll be just fine.
I love the term “homemaker” and am sad that it’s considered outdated and even contemptible in some circles. As shown by this study and other observations, growing up in a solid home (and I don’t mean just a building) is crucial to the sound development of kids into responsible adults. Is anyone really more important than the ones who make the home? The current “me society” doesn’t bode well for the state of the home in the future so we serious grown-ups need to work harder to model values for every young person we meet.
Those of us who have daughters (I have five) fear for them because we know there are thousands of young men out there who are just like we were, or worse. We understand what our daughters never will, even when they are married and are the mothers of sons. We understand the motives of the men who would have them, and no, we are not overly cynical. We know there are good men out there, and that God is preparing one especially for them. That is why chasing the bad ones away, at gunpoint if necessary, doesn’t make us worry that our daughters will end up alone.
Family meals are something even poor people can share. When I was a kid, we were poor, but we raised a garden and chowed down on fresh vegetables and grandma’s delicious homemade bread. We didn’t raise food animals, but lots of the relatives had farms, so we almost always had fresh meat and eggs as well. Mealtime was special and we always sat at the table. And one more important thing, there was always someone else at the table…
“Come Lord Jesus be our guest, and let this food by you be blessed.”
Interesting post. I am 33 now and recently moved home from Minnesota back to Houston and lived with my folks for 6 months before I purchased my home.
We ate dinner together nearly every night. And we had to wait until my daddy got home.
Nice post. It’s sweet.
That’s nice, Tiffany, and so important.
We ate dinner together when I was a child, but the practice waned through my teenage years.
This was something that was few and far between in my everyday, because my mom worked a swing shift and was rarely home in the evenings. Because of this, my sister turned the tide and instilled in her daughter the importance of sitting down for a meal, and I try as often as possible to perform this act. It really is an important arm of family, and of community.
In our sixties and by ourselves, we always sit down together for our meals, just as we did when our family was with us. Furthermore, we have always set an extra place for the “unknown guest.” Occasionally, through the years, someone would drop by while we were eating and we would ask them to share our table.
My daughter and son-in-law and their four children have followed the same pattern and even kept up the tradition of the place for the “unknown guest.”
Eating is a social and sustaining activity. It is a time to reflect on your good fortune of being nourished by food, love, and friendship.
Unfortunately, too many people treat their family obligations like so much fast food.
We had a teen move in with us when she was 16. Her home life hadn’t been particularly good – I suspect she had rarely if ever had a family sit down meal. For a year, I set the table, served the meal, called her to eat; she would come – after we had waited for her a few minutes – sit, eat, leave. We would try to engage her in some conversation, but pretty much got one word replies. She wasn’t rude, but she certainly wasn’t forthcoming, either.
She’s lived with us for 8 years now. We had a bad spell for a couple of years where she went off the track, but she’s back on the straight – if not as narrow as I’d like – and usually _does_ eat with us. And talks. Sometimes we can hardly shut her up! She jokes and even debates a bit. All good.
Another quick note. We have a breakfast on the first day of school each year, served by the board to any and all employees. One year, relationships with the superintendent were a bit rough. The man who is in charge of maintenance was there, but refused to eat – “no thanks, just not interested”. He had joined us the year before, and the next year – when we had a new superintendent and life was more peaceable – he joined us once again. Don’t tell me there wasn’t any signifigance in his not joining us that one year! Definitely a thermometer of the “get-along” guage!
Sharing a meal is a good thing.
“I’ve noticed a trend in the social sciences arena. Everything old is new again.”
I’ve noticed the same type of trend, mostly in the media with these public service announcements on various channels where some celebrity gets up and encourages us the viewers to share a meal together. Telling us how much it matters to the kids.
It is so funny that the world takes what God has established, i.e. the family and all that comes with it (including family meals), and tears it down, then builds it back up in the likeness of secularism. In other words, they take what was already working, destroy it and then put it back together, yet it isn’t the same because, just like when putting that bike, shelf or entertainment unit together, there are always pieces left out when you don’t use the instruction manual. It is never really “complete” if you have screws and washers, and parts laying around. The same is true with secular society trying to put family values back into broken or incomplete families, absent the foundation from which they came.
Great post La Shawn. We’re like any other family in that we’re pulled in too many directions, but one thing that is constant is eating dinner together as often as possible. Our one hard-and-fast rule during that time is not to answer the phone. You’d be amazed at how that one simple thing conveys to the kids that we take the time with them seriously.
What’s also interesting is that our kids are pretty ill-behaved at the table during dinner. Often times we’re required to discipline them far more than we would prefer, but we also refuse to have little hellions as dinner companions. The interesting part is that when they go out with a group of kids or to a friend’s house, or get feedback from their teachers, we inevitably get comments saying that they are so well behaved. That’s obviously a source of pride, but also a relief that the sometimes turbulent dinner manner lessons are paying off!
Keep up the good work.
Kevin
Firstly I want to applaud you Lashawn. I recognize your Christian values, and in most cases I share them but for different reasons. I am something akin to an agnostic, but I think that it’s important to instill an independent, personal concept of right and wrong because while the bible teaches wonderful lessons, the world is a place of black, white and grey, and sometimes a person needs to know why something is wrong beyond “It’s what the bible says” to make the right decision. The dinner table is a wonderful place to create that concept. I spent my young life eating dinner with my family almost every night, it waned as I got older and schedules precluded even being home between school and sleep, but the best analogy I can draw to the good it’s done is from my current career (United States Coast Guard). When we finish an operation, we sit down and we hot wash (after brief). We figure out where the weaknesses were and correct them. I think dinner worked like this. We’d talk about our day, things we’d done, things that happened. All the while my brother and I were told what was good, and what we should not do again. You can teach anything 100 times, but until someone sees it in action, and then understands how it works, they’re not going to grasp it as well, this rule applies to life more then anything. It was also where we learned a great deal of respect and manners. I don’t eat fish. To this day I hardly eat it, but I remember being 12 or so and sitting alone at the dinner table well after the rest of the family had left because I refused to eat it and I was not allowed to leave the table until I did. I learned that you eat what’s put in front of you. A lesson I was encouraged and expected to heed whenever eating at another person’s home. It has served me well. Eating as a family is a time when it’s not awkward to discuss the days events. If my father walked into my room and sat me down I knew I was either in trouble or I was about to get a talk about something I didn’t want to hear about from my dad. I’d shut down, but at the dinner table, you were open, easy to influence. I think it’s one of the best times to influence who a child is.
i cant think of anything better than rice with gravy, some greens, maybe some deep fried whiting…and some mac n cheese sitting at the table….
how can someone be misbehaving with all that at the table…
My family always ate together. From the time I was in my teens till I moved out (2 years after collge), we had some very lively discussions. Today my parents whom are both in their eighties live with me. In fact we are multi-generational household. My mother loves food and ejoys preparing meals. Seated at the dinner table are my parents, my sister and her twin daughters. I also was there when I went through a spell of unemployment. During that time I prepared most of the dinners. I am back to work on 10+ hours a day schedule, and my family continues to eat at 5:00 pm on week days.
By the way, we all eat together at 3:00pm on Sundays after church and Sunday school.
Eating together is all about the family bonding. My family ate together (we’re italian) And we are close. All my friends who grew up spoiled and who didnt eat with the family all became drug addicts or losers.
I love this post — so full of good heartedness and good sense — and “look to the animals” is one of my own mantras, a major category at my blog.
The comments are one and all extremely interesting and worthwhile.
When our family of three grown kids with kids of their own gathers together to break bread at my father’s house for the various religious and secular holiday feasts throughout the year, my sister and I especially enjoy our times cooking and talking of all things great and small in my dearly departed mother’s kitchen.
Comments on this entry are closed.