Thursday, December 28: Frequent commenter Andy writes: “Our view is that nannies are fine, as long as they aren’t used as a substitute for two working parents.”
That’s what I’m talking about.
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I read a sad/unintentionally funny story in the New York Times (free reg. req.) this morning about blacks looking for nannies. An excerpt:
“As more blacks move up the economic ladder, one fixture — some would say necessity — of the upper-middle-class income bracket often eludes them. Like hailing a cab in Midtown Manhattan, searching for a nanny can be an exasperating, humiliating exercise for many blacks, the kind of ordeal that makes them wonder aloud what year it is.”
It seems that black people looking for nannies are having a hard time finding nannies who want to work for black people, including black nannies. Parents interviewed for the story tell the sad tale of once again being judged by their skin color. One nanny agency owner reports that blacks make up 40 percent of her employees, and “many” don’t want to work with blacks because they might be “uppity and demanding,” paying less and expecting more. Some nannies, black and white, just don’t want to trek to “black” neighborhoods for safety reasons.
Nobody knows de trouble I’ve seen…
Tell it to someone who cares. Sorry, but I just can’t feel sorry for or sympathize with black parents looking for someone else to raise their children and face “discrimination” in the process. I take an old-fashioned, hard-line view on this issue. Parents should raise their own children. Period.
As free, autonomous human beings, however, black parents can outsource childrearing if they want. It’s not illegal, and dumping kids in institutionalized care and handing them over to others to raise is an equal opportunity shame.
We shall overcome somedayyyyyyyyyy…
Clarification (10:30 a.m.): People, people, people! I am NOT talking about hiring a baby sitter (for a few hours). How could any reasonable person who read this post think that I think parents can or should be with their kids 24 hours a day, seven days a week? Good grief.
I’m referring to sending young children (especially infants, for crying out loud!) to day care for 10 hours a day or hiring someone to come to their homes and raise the kids. Some do it by choice; others by necessity. I don’t have to be a parent to criticize the practice. Children, black or white, ought to be raised by their parents. Since when did saying so become controversial?
What a world… 
Read my review of Day Care Deception: What The Child Care Establishment Isn’t Telling Us.
Writes commenter and homeschooling blogger Susannah:
Well, of course I agree with LaShawn 100%. Childhood is so brief. It just seems sad that so many parents choose to detach themselves from their own offspring. Granted, it’s not always a choice, I know.
I always wonder…what happens if you do manage to hire an awesome nanny who adores your kids and whom your kids adore in return…and then the nanny leaves, as all nannies must some day. (Cf. Mary Poppins! ) Your kids have bonded with the nanny and then all of a sudden that person is no longer in their life. Seems unnecessarily wrenching.
Family is forever. They are the people you depend on your whole life. Bonding ought to be stronger within the confines of family than without, IMO.
(BTW, if we can make it on a single income, anybody can. We are by no means wealthy. It’s simply a matter of priorities.)
Emphasis added.
Commenter Marla Helseth writes:
Sorry for all the patronizing criticism you’re getting, LaShawn. I agree with you 100%…The way God structured the family is that the parents raise the child in the strength and admonition of the Lord. I’m sure women like Leah and Rachel in the Old Testament had women helpers, but I’m also sure they were in the home full time; available for their children and able to teach them…The day and age doesn’t matter. It’s a matter of priorities as many commenters have said. We should not be rejoicing that we now make enough money to hire a nanny; that’s ridiculous logic.
Emphasis added.
Former nanny, commenter and blogger Happy Housewife writes:
Having been a nanny, I can tell you that none of the mothers I worked for needed to work. All of them openly stated a fear of taking care of their own children. All of the children involved came to see me as their mother. I had to constantly tell one little girl that she couldn’t call me Mommy. None of the children willingly left my care each night, despite my encouragement to go with their parents. All of the children were heartbroken when my care was discontinued. Yet, I was no Mary Poppins. I merely showed concern, talked to the children, played with the children. I also was firm with the children and enforced rules and routines. I was actually harder on the kids than their permissive parents, yet I was the one the children ran to. I quit after two years because I couldn’t deal with the parents anymore.
Life is a series of exchanges. Parents with a nanny are exchanging their children for income. It’s harsh but true. I’d rather be as poor as a churchmouse than give up being my children’s primary caregiver. I heard the first word and saw the first step for the kids I nannied. Those moms missed out. They may not realize what they’ve lost now, but when the kids are grown I think they will.
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LaShawn,
While I appreciate your stand on this issue, why is it necessary to throw in mocking comments like, Nobody knows de trouble I’ve seen…. Honestly, it just cheapens your argument and gives comfort to bigots. The upside of the article is that we have reached the level of income where a nanny is an option for some of us.
While I’m not there (yet), I will never judge someone as less of a parent for working outside the home. This is a natural evolution of the world we live in. If we were still a farm-based economy, it would be a different story.
We’re told that education and income are the equalizers of this society. I think when it turns out to not always be true, it should be documented. While not an issue for every one, it may resonate with someone white who may say, “That’s not right.”
When I was a kid, my mom worked outside the home and had a “hired girl”. That’s what they called them back then (in the 50’s). When I worked outside the home I had a “babysitter” who came to my home or I took them to their home. That’s what they called them in the 70’s. Now, licensed day care centers seems to be the term even for people who babysit in their own homes. But now apparently we have so many Madison avenue parents that work outside the home that we have a shortage of the coveted of all babysitters – a “nanny” and it’s a racial issue???.
Give me a break. This NY Sun article is flat out ridiculous.
I agree completely, La Shawn. Is outsourcing your child-rearing really a sign of success by any meaningful definition? Only if one’s priorities are horribly skewed.
I remember the disgusting yuppie exercise in child-rearing called quality time. What that meant was that the parents were both too busy with their phony-baloney fulfilling careers to pay attention to their own children, and had to invent a feel-good excuse by claiming that the small amount of time they dedicated to their children was intensely good. What a load of nonsense.
I appreciate the “kids should be raised by parents” opinion, but the reality is that in an era where most families need a dual income to maintain a standard of living, it’s not entirely practical. Never mind such issues as divorece or widowhood, where working and childcare may not be any sort of choice at all, but a practical necessity.
My Mom worked through almost all of my growing up, and I grow weary of conservative pseudo-statistics that show that my Mother failed in her attempts to raise me. Finding childcare was a constant challenge then, and it’s gotten mostly worse since. Plus, since my Mom is white and my Dad is black, all sorts of racial issues came into the discussions. We had a series of black housekeepers, and there were some tensions. My sister has solved her childcare problems by relying on… well, my Mom, who is happy to babysit her grandson as needed, now that she’s retired – an option that simply wasn’t available to my Mom.
The point is there are not a lot of great options here. The practical effect of what you’re suggesting is to make it simply more difficult for women who do work to find adequate childcare – an employment dilemma that does as much or more to fuel things like the immigration debate than almost any other occupation (where do nannies come from, anyway? check up on that…). It pits women against women, and, as this article suggests, it penalizes black women that much more. Given a choice of making it yet more difficult for women, I’d rather choose not to. I have sat through office discussions of childcare dilemmas among younger working women, and more than the uncomfortable issues of class and race that come up, what’s clearest is that they are substantial challenges and pressures on women who work, even in the mnost flexible workplace environments. Your post seems surprisingly dismissive of this issue.
La Shawn, I hope you are blessed with raising children one day and then you will know that every parent needs a nanny/baby sitter sometime.
No parent raises their kids 24/7/365. Every parent needs a break. Even parents that stay home with the kids.
What I find funny about that nanny issue in NEW YORK CITY, is that down here in the South I NEVER had an issue with getting a nanny when needed. Our only rule was that they not take issue with working in an overtly Christian home where they might be involved in some Christian themed activities. But then again, in the South, that’s never an issue either.
After reading the article… It seems they claim it’s an issue in various cities, even in the South. I can’t say I’ve ever had a problem.
But it seems more like nannies are not willing to work in certain parts of town more than anything.
Heck even the pizza delivery man has standards.
I’m a day care kid. My daughter was as well. My son isn’t.
Economics was the primary reason for the choices.
I refuse to apologize or feel sorry for the choices I made and honor the choices my mother and father made.
Well, of course I agree with LaShawn 100%.
Childhood is so brief. It just seems sad that so many parents choose to detach themselves from their own offspring. Granted, it’s not always a choice, I know. 
I always wonder…what happens if you do manage to hire an awesome nanny who adores your kids and whom your kids adore in return…and then the nanny leaves, as all nannies must some day. (Cf. Mary Poppins!
) Your kids have bonded with the nanny and then all of a sudden that person is no longer in their life. Seems unnecessarily wrenching.
Family is forever. They are the people you depend on your whole life. Bonding ought to be stronger within the confines of family than without, IMO.
(BTW, if we can make it on a single income, anybody can. We are by no means wealthy. It’s simply a matter of priorities.)
Having been a nanny, I can tell you that none of the mothers I worked for needed to work. All of them openly stated a fear of taking care of their own children. All of the children involved came to see me as their mother. I had to constantly tell one little girl that she couldn’t call me Mommy. None of the children willingly left my care each night, despite my encouragement to go with their parents. All of the children were heartbroken when my care was discontinued. Yet, I was no Mary Poppins. I merely showed concern, talked to the children, played with the children. I also was firm with the children and enforced rules and routines. I was actually harder on the kids than their permissive parents, yet I was the one the children ran to. I quit after two years because I couldn’t deal with the parents anymore.
Life is a series of exchanges. Parents with a nanny are exchanging their children for income. It’s harsh but true. I’d rather be as poor as a churchmouse than give up being my children’s primary caregiver. I heard the first word and saw the first step for the kids I nannied. Those moms missed out. They may not realize what they’ve lost now, but when the kids are grown I think they will.
Sorry for all the patronizing criticism you’re getting, LaShawn. I agree with you 100%.
The way God structured the family is that the parents raise the child in the strength and admonition of the Lord. I’m sure women like Leah and Rachel in the Old Testament had women helpers, but I’m also sure they were in the home full time; available for their children and able to teach them.
The day and age doesn’t matter. It’s a matter of priorities as many commenters have said. We should not be rejoicing that we now make enough money to hire a nanny; that’s ridiculous logic. And because someone doesn’t have children doesn’t exclude them from commenting on what’s biblical. Yes, there are choices we have to make, and sometimes (like with being a single parent obviously) we need help raising our children. But the BETTER choice is to raise them as husband and wife together. It CAN be done on one income. You just might have to die to your flesh regarding some of the lifestyle perks you enjoy and consider instead what will matter in eternity.
I swear I love you La Shawn. Not in that internet stalker way, but that if only I could find a black woman as conservative as yourself I’d marry her instantly kind of way. Us Black conservatives are a very small group.
“While I appreciate your stand on this issue, why is it necessary to throw in mocking comments like, Nobody knows de trouble I’ve seen…. Honestly, it just cheapens your argument and gives comfort to bigots.”
Heh. I love your cynicism and sarcasm. Keep it up, slaughter all sacred cows on sight.
As far as raising your own children goes I agree 100%. It is a matter of priorities not income. It is my desire to see my children raised by their mother. I personally have NEVER seen a woman that had the choice turn it down. A previous commenter said that her employers had a fear of raising their own kids. I really wonder where that comes from?
Blacks facing discrimination when looking for nannys, well get used to it. People’s perceptions are their reality. Until an individual meets a Black person that breaks those preconceived perceptions they will persist. If black women do not want to be “discriminated” against when looking for a nanny concentrate on being an ambassador instead of fitting the stereotypes.
A great infection in our society is the inability to separate what we want from what we need.
Children, black or white, ought to be raised by their parents. Since when did saying so become controversial?
We are a society that holds instant gratification to be a virtue La Shawn.
Thus, we have socially correct lunacy like “quality time” (thanks for jogging my memory RedBeard!). If we gave a child a square meal one a week and nothing else the rest of the time, would we call it “quality food”?
And “it takes a village to raise a child” – what a wonderful way to dump children on someone else while feeling virtuous at the same time! Not to mention the alluring possibilities of spreading the blame if something goes wrong.
Like Susannah, we make it on one income (my teacher’s salary).
Lashawn,
Hello! Living in L.A. I see nannies all the time when I visit my mother who lives in an upscale neighborhood. I don’t like it a bit.
I was lucky. You couldn’t have got my ex-wife to let somebody raise my daughter for all the money in the world. Get this, she didn’t go to pre-school but was reading by the time she entered kindergarten.
On the other side of the issue, I live in a lower income area and am not impressed with the ways most mothers raise their children. For one, there appears to be no discipline in the family. Also, I think they use the school system and entitlement factory to do all the work for them: free lunches, health-care, and so on.
Well, that’s my take on this problem.
John
I’ve been told by mothers who prefer to work “working makes me a better mother”. Since I’m always the confused type I just move on without asking for an explanation. :-~
I still think it’s sad that they are judged because of their skin color. I’ve met various black people who are successful and decent who are distrusted or disliked because of what they look like. I think we have a long way to go in accepting people for who they are. And it doesn’t help when people have no or little interaction with black people, then form theories based on what they perceive black people to be.
When you say that parents should raise their own children I assume that means that the government should also not be used as a nanny. If so, I agree.
I agree, MJ. It’s a shame that black parents seeking nannies are being judged harshly based on race AND that these parents are looking for nannies in the first place.
I am genuinely curious as to why black nannies do not want to work with black employers. Does anyone wish to hazard a guess beyond that it is 1)merely a case of a lack of familiarity with blacks (as mj asserts) or 2)the result of the usual suspect (racism)?
“Children, black or white, ought to be raised by their parents. Since when did saying so become controversial?”
Since the women’s movement decided career women were superior, making more intelligent and “liberated” choices, and taking better care of *themselves* by putting their careers above the marriages (if married) and children. To say that raising one’s own children is preferable is to pronounce *judgment* on the other women who choose to work so that they can afford more things, better vacations, bigger houses, etc. And, you know, we are not supposed to *judge* anyone for anything!
I hope you can tell my tongue is attached to my cheek! I’m with you, one hundred percent. My mom had to work, or we would not have eaten–even before my dad split. She would have preferred to be at home, and I sure would have preferred to have her there.
Furthermore, my niece worked as a preschool director for more than 10 years. What she saw in behavioral and emotional problems in the children made her determined that she would raise her own children, if she has any. She, like your former-nanny commenter, faced many frustrations with parents of the children she cared for.
Hang in there, La Shawn, even when some readers don’t exhibit good reading skills.
I agree whole-heartedly with you La Shawn. I just don’t see how people are confusing this issue. Being a single parent, I pretty much have to send my son (just turned 4) to preschool. However, after spending his first 9 months with him while primarily consulting from home (my Mother would baby-sit for meetings, and on-sites) I know exactly where I’d be if I had the choice. I also know that if there was a woman in the house and we could “afford” a nanny, we could “afford” to have one of us home with him.
My wife and I are finally trying to have children after nearly eight years of marriage, so the nanny/childcare vs. one income discussion really hits home.
And we have a little twist. My wife, God bless her, is an OB/GYN resident, while I am an attorney, sort of. We have fairly meager incomes and fairly enormous debt. But if we do manage to get pregnant (here’s the twist), I’ll likely be the one to stay home for at least the first few years. While stay-at-home dads are not necessarily uncommon anymore, I imagine I won’t have a lot of other dads available for play dates.
With so much debt, and so much potential income in my profession, it has been and will be a hard row to hoe. But what we want more than anything is a happy, healthy family. So we looked at our respective career paths, placed more value on my wife surviving residency and serving people as a physician, then adjusted accordingly.
I’m decidedly nervous about the whole thing. Any comments from the peanut gallery?
Eric – God bless you for your choice. Your children will be among those fortunate few who have loving and intelligent parents who actually care about raising them. It’s a difficult choice, but raising one’s children is THE most important job any married couple can have. You and your wife are making a more difficult choice than most – clearly your debt load from your educations are enormous. Which is all the more reason to say “kudos” to a brave and loving choice.
I am a working mother and do not regret my choice to have both children and a career. In fact, I just retired from the USAF after 21 years. Both my kids were raised in the Air Force. My husband and I each had successful careers and still managed to keep the marriage and the family together. We are not an aberration. All our military married friends with kids are just like us. My daughter went into daycare at 5 weeks of age and my son at 6 weeks. They are both normal, well adjusted, intelligent, drug/alcohol/crime/pregnancy free moral people who are well aware of who their parents are and that they are loved.
If black women do not want to be “discriminated†against when looking for a nanny concentrate on being an ambassador instead of fitting the stereotypes.
What? We’re not talking about black folks sitting on the front porch chomping on fried chicken and watermelon. We’re talking about blacks who have pulled themselves into the upper eschelons. That doesn’t happen by playing the stereotype. It seems that with every issue touching upon race, so-called black conservatives find their own way to be “ambassadors”…blame the black folks. I consider myself to be conservative in that I don’t believe in the government solving every little problem with exceptions regarding issues like equal access, etc. But as a black man who has worked all his life and followed the rules, I find it appalling that my fellow travellers believe that I should pass some type of test or conduct outreach to whites so they don’t literally or figuratively spit in my face. I’m an American and an individual who happens to be black. Judge me, but don’t hold me up to some ridiculous standard.
Whether or not it is noble to raise your kids yourself or hire a nanny to HELP in this process is not the point of the article. What really is concerning is that despite all their accomplishments, these individuals are being discriminated against. Not only by people of other races, but their own race. HMMM..how far Blacks have come.
I was wondering, do these people who are upset they cannot find a nanny really wish to somehow force companies to service them? It would result in them entrusting the welfare of their children to someone who really does not want to be there.
Of course these disgruntled individuals could work to develop their own nanny business to leverage areas avoided by other services, but that’s just too American an idea for them I’m sure. (They are too busy going to work for somebody else to actually consider doing something for themselves that would make money and fulfill their needs.) Or maybe they know that they would never find people willing to do what they wish for current nanny agencies to do. And maybe they have little desire to start a business for the same reasons raised by those nannies? They’d probably prefer government force fit a solution that will end up as terrible as any typical government effort.
Also, will anyone ever actually broach the areas of concern that were raised by the nannies? High crime, cranky employer(s), over demanding and being cheap are serious concerns. Like it or not they are associated with a culture of people. Will the people dare to think that some of them need to change their ways? Oh but they don’t want to be stereotyped, while groups like the police who work in those high crime areas are often stereotyped on a regular basis.
Bottom line, they should start their own business and turn lemons into lemonade. And if they or their friends realize they have a little more “attitude” than some other people they should work on that too.
We know if the airlines stop someone that fits a terrorist profile, we’ve got no problem with it. If a nanny works years and notices a profile for a bad employer…
Just trying to help look at this from all angles
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Check your e-mail, IC. – Admin
I think most mothers today in 2-parent families would rather stay home with their kids and not work; but, they don’t think they can afford to stay home. So, they pack up their kids every morning and take them to day care where the costs in this area are about $165/week and more for infants. Then, they spend money for work clothing, lunch, car expenses including gasoline and upkeep, and on top of all that, they pay higher taxes for higher family incomes. Then, there are what I call the “hidden expenses” of working. Mom’s too tired to fix the good old family meal so out to the restaurants they go or they pick up prepared meals from the grocery for dinner. They don’t make halloween costumes, they buy them. They feel guilty for cheating their children and so they overindulge them with tons of afterschool activities, expensive birthday parties and designer jeans. Add it up ….. and in a lot of cases I think you’ll find the expenses of working with small children could very well cost more than the paycheck brings home.
It doesn’t require two incomes to make it America today with children, you just have to figure out what your priorities are. If you want to lease a new car every few years, live in a home with more space than you really need, and furniture that you can’t really afford without putting it on your credit card, then yeah, you probably can’t live on just one income.
I’m a poor single parent with one child-my daughter’s father has chosen not be involved in our daughters life outside of paying court ordered child support-and I am also going to school. My father watches my daughter for me while I am in class. I don’t have money to buy new clothing or get my hair done as much as I would like or even go out on a regular basis but I know that my child needs me more than I need to go out and have some free time. I have had the chance to put my daughter in day care so that I could have more free time and be able to take a larger course load but would that really be fair to my child who would spend her days being raised by a day care? Instead I take as many classes as I can and I’m looking for career options that would allow me to work from home and hopefully homeschool my child.
Black parents are already lagging behind white Americans in so many areas, can we really afford to send our kids off to be raised by other people who probably will not instill the values in them that we want to be instilled and obviously won’t ever love them as much as the parents do? I don’t think we can.
This whole thing about it takes a dual income to take careof home is a hoax. When the numbers are really taken a closer look at, we will find that parents are nt willing to cut back on certain wants, and they are going for moare materialistis lifestyles rather than valueing raising their offspring. There are pleny fo families that can survive on one income, but lets be honest, most of us are not willing do do…
When you add up the cost for having a 2nd parent work, now including nanny cost, and the increased spending, you will easily find that the family loses out financially, and debt increases…Andnot only that, the proper upbringing is not being done foe the chidren…This dual income exucse is just an excuse to free womento the workplace, even mothers…I had planned to do some research on this issue.
I hear a lot of yelling and screaming, but LaShawn what is your solution for mothers who can not afford to stay home with their kids? Should they be seen as a bad parent who is passing along the responsibility of child raising or a responsible parent who is attempting to place a roof over her child’s head and food on the table??
No, I don’t think you need to be a parent to speak about the issue, but being a parent would definitely help you with this issue.
Your perception is way off from where I’m sitting and needs a reality check.
And just because you hire a nanny, isn’t a sin or biblically incorrectat all.
I’m a new mom and I’ve had the opportunity to stay home with my kid for a limited time until finances wouldn’t allow me to. My husband and I both work and our child is in a Christian daycare for about 6 hours a day.
Also, to LaShawn and those those who agree with her 100%, if hiring a nanny means that women are out sourcing raising their responsibility to raise their child, does this mean when a woman decides to put her child in school she’s passing the buck too. Why not only home school?
C’mon Christian Supermoms!
Also, will anyone ever actually broach the areas of concern that were raised by the nannies? High crime,
My assumption is, if you can afford a nanny, chances are you DON’T live in an area of concern for crime.
cranky employer(s), over demanding and being cheap are serious concerns.
All of these are subjective. I’ve heard the same said of Jewish people, Middle Eastern people, old people, and especially lawyers.
It doesn’t require two incomes to make it America today with children, you just have to figure out what your priorities are. If you want to lease a new car every few years, live in a home with more space than you really need, and furniture that you can’t really afford without putting it on your credit card, then yeah, you probably can’t live on just one income.
I find that line used a few times and quite interesting.
Of those who are not financially well off and both parents work, I strongly suspect financing a lease on a new car is not the issue. Maybe USED car financing is an issue. When you look at home ownership of Blacks, that seems to be to be less of an issue when 45-48% of Blacks own homes. Good stewardship of money is an issue, however no one just figures out good financial habits on their own. It is a taught/learned process and when you come from a family that deals with finances on a continuous emergency payment situation, you learn how to handle money in that situation.
I find it interesting and saddening that mentorship seems to be rarely mentioned in aiding people to do better, instead it’s just condemnation.
Lastly, I’ll write this: I’ve seen people state that parents are living beyond their means and should live cheaper, yet some of the same people condemn folks who live in poor neighborhoods because it is what they can afford and send their children to schools in the area instead of MOVING to a better and more expensive area. That’s a nice Catch-22 situation, isn’t it?
In New York most nannies seem to be immigrant women; Carribean black and Fillipinas seem to be the norrm. As to why black nannies don’t want to work for black families, it’s my guess that immigrant blacks don’t have a high opinion of African-Americans in general regardless of income.
A good essay about the nanny question is Caitlin Flanagan’s “How Serfdom Saved the Women’s Movement”. The essay is subscription only, but this piece from a profile of Flanagan gives some relevant flavor:
Driving to meet Flanagan, I call home to Brooklyn and learn that our gerbil has just died. My elder girl is a little sad, my babysitter tells me, but doing okay. My younger, barely two, doesn’t know the difference. I feel a twinge of guilt for not being there, and it’s the first thing I mention once Flanagan and I settle in to talk in the sunroom of her large, gracious home in L.A.’s affluent Hancock Park. What will she say, this woman who insists that children suffer if their mother works at all, who loved teaching high school English but wouldn’t think of returning until her twin boys, eight years old, are in college “because I would never be away from my kidsâ€?
“She’ll grow from it,†Flanagan says winningly. “Your daughter will grow from her gerbil dying while you’re not there.†There isn’t a hint of disingenuousness in her voice; indeed, she’s so earnest I worry that I’ve exaggerated “Gerby’s†place in our hearts.
…..
Midway through the interview in her home, I say that I noticed she removed the most searing line from her revised “Serfdom†essay: “When a mother works, something is lost.†So, I ask her, do you stand by that line? “Yeah,†Flanagan says, her voice now soft, serious. “The gerbil’s dead, and you’re here.
It is known in the black community, that no one hates black people more than black people hate black people…Its sad, but as an blac Engineer myself and one who often is put in leadership positions, I have more problems getting black people to work with me, than any other race on the planet…
This issue lies with black people…
I ran a daycare out of my home for 12+ years in order to earn money as well as be home for my 4 children and I loved every minute of it.
Except for the parents who sucked as many minutes out of the day to do their own thing, shop, relax at home in peace, sleep, clean their house…I grew very tired of raising other people’s children.
One mom even got mad at me for taking a 5 day weekend so I could spend time with my own family over the holidays, she came right out and said,’You’re their adoptive mom, you should be there for them’. Oh the story’s I could tell of my years of being a ‘daycare mom’.
While I did truly adore the kids, the mentality of throwing them off on another to raise grated on me. I recently quit doing daycare for numerous reasons and the grief thrown my way by these parents for not being there for their kids anymore was insane. I felt as though I was stepping out on my own kids, and in a way, I probably was. Many of them were long time clients.
I guess after all of this, I’m just trying to say that parents need to learn to be parents in this society. To be there for their own kids and not rely on a village to raise them. And that it can be done on one income…it’s called sacrifice. My hubby and I have sacrificed much for the sake of our children and our children are rewarded with love, morals, values, and appreciation for life and the little things.
I’ve been silently reading your blog La Shawn and have gained much respect for you. Being on the ‘caring’ end of this, I just had to put in my 20-cents.
24/7 – 365. That’s the life of a single homeschooling mom. I work, he goes with me; I shop, he goes with me. And it’ll be that way for at least the next 5 years. I’ve had my turn, right now – it’s his turn.
When we started our family, timing was fortuitous in that I had just gotten laid off shortly after our daughter was born.
Although I could have been aggressive in finding a new job commensurate to my experience, it would have meant working about 6 hours from our home. Since my wife was making good wages, we decided to hit several birds with one stone.
My wife worked at the theater doing musicals and I played Mr. Mom while renovating our 60 year old money pit. I also did the odd free-lance jobs and consulting both for extra cash and to get out of the house every so often. But the main thing was someone was always home for our daughter.
Almost 1 & 1/2 years later, just as I was finishing up the renovations to where the house was comfortable, I was recalled to work. By that time, we just found out that we were expecting our 2nd child. I took the out of town job and about 3 months later, as my wife’s current project wound down, she moved to be with me.
Now comes the nanny part. My wife experienced serious complications that caused her to be physically weak and often bedridden. For the next 6 years, we’ve had to use a mix of baby-sitters, nurses and nannies while I worked to pull the growing family of 6 upwards and on a single income.
Certainly, there are precious periods that I missed out on and wish I could snatch back. On the other hand, it was absolutely necessary to get extra help for my wife during certain phases.
Our view is that nannies are fine, as long as they aren’t used as a substitute for two working parents. If both parents are working and well-off to boot, then something’s gotta give, so why should it be the child(ren)?
As for black on black discrimination and the claim that black nannies don’t want to work for black clients. Is it any wonder sometimes?
What all with race-baiting on one hand, where the race-card practitioners would prefer guilt-ridden white suckers over black “Homey-don’t-play-dat”.
On the flip side, I think anyone that has worked in the service industry has plenty of anecdotes and 1st hand experience in black stinginess.
Back in the day when I worked as a waiter, unless I knew a particular customer, I didn’t relish serving blacks cause I knew the tips would suck, if any. Is that racist? No! Racial profiling? Yes, because of the experience factor. So sue me.
What’s wrong with chicken and watermelon? Is my question
“I find it interesting and saddening that mentorship seems to be rarely mentioned in aiding people to do better, instead it’s just condemnation.”
When engaging in political/racial rhetoric, then condemnation is arguably the more effective method of demonization.
Regards,
John
An interesting tidbit at the end of the article about the woman who was appalled that her race “mattered.”
“At one point, Ms. DaCosta scouted playgrounds, so she could spy on nannies’ skin color as well as behavior; another time, she placed a race-neutral ad, and hid by the window as the prospective nannies drove up, sighing with relief when a black one appeared.”
Hmmmmmmm.
One of the great things about being a rancher was that I spent a great deal of time with my Dad because weekends and during summer “vacation†I worked for him. I didn’t appreciate it at the time but when I started taking my own kids to work I realized what a blessing it was growing up so close to my Dad. They grow up so fast; cherish each and every moment you can spend with them, cats in the cradle and all that.
Great topic of discussion. I am not one to judge how a parent raises their child or who they get to care for them. I am a homeschooling mother who also works from home and there are times when I need a break. We do not know many people in the city we trust so when my husband gets off from work, he tries to assume night duty and sometimes I will skip church and the boys are with him all day.
Would I ever hire a nanny? Yea, but just so that I can run errands in peace and go to the gym. However, I have a teen ager who is perfectly fit to take care of my little one for a few hours while I get a mommie break.
My daughter’s story.
My wife had a job until the day before my daughter was born. I was serving in the Navy at the time. My wife and I had planned for my wife to stay home with our child.
After we left the navy, my wife started a home day-care, for the additional income plus the benefit of her still being with our daughter.
Later, my wife went back to school – to update her degrees and she was hired to teach. At which point I adjusted my work schedule so one of us took our daughter to school and the other was home she her school day was over.
Each school night, we helped her with her homework.
Result:
A high senior with a 4.25 gpa looking to go to an Ivy league school.
Folks – invest the time, your children are worth it.
Of course, these people could just … ya know … not have kids. That, to me, seems more fair than having them just so that you can neglect them.
I swear, we make people jump through tons of hoops to do things like drive cars or carry concealed weapons, but there’s not a bloody thing required to have kids but the proper biological equipment. Point to that being, there’s a considerable number of individuals out there having kids that are simply unfit to do so. Cut. It. Out. You’re producing generations of emotionally damaged people so that you can achieve your own personal vision of greatness.
If you’re going to be career obsessed, by all means, live that life. Just don’t try to cram innocent kids into it so you can check one more item off of your “to do” list. If my wife and I decide we want children, we’re homeschooling them. It’s the best way to go IMO.
Cmpletely off subject:
In response to the last post:
I have always felt that there should be a court sanctioned law that is given to parents of children born OOW. I think this legal bond that is given to 2 parents who have a had child OOW, should be signed for the sake of parenting. from that point on there is mediation, that obligate both parents to provide for that particular child until that child is of adult age. And any other marriages that take place in the parents lives have to be agreed b the court before they can marry. If a child is born by one of the parents from another partner, they will again be tied to that person but there will be mandatory birth control for that person.
Anyone interested in the view of the job from an insider’s perspective, especially of nannies in NYC, should read “The Nanny Diaries.” (There’s a review of it on my blog.) The authors were nannies for rich women, all white, and the attitudes of the mothers towards their nannies were appalling. These were women who did not work, in most cases, but who did not want to do the “dirty” work of raising a child. I do not understand those women.
Nor do I understand families where mom and dad have high-powered jobs that require them both to work 80 hours a week and so they MUST have a nanny–their schedules do not permit use of standard daycares. In those cases, the career does seem to be more of a priority than the child.
For the rest of us… Well, you do what you can. I’ve had my kids in licensed family home daycare (so they wouldn’t be segregated by age), I’ve worked part-time jobs or from home so I could stay home with my children, and my husband and I even did some “tag-team” scheduling so one of us was home at all times. My biggest regret was not trying to homeschool my children, especially my oldest son who had a difficult time in a regular classroom in our local Catholic grammar school. (Based on the experiences of other mothers I know, he would have had more problems in the public elementary & middle schools.) I went back to work full-time when our youngest was in second grade, leaving our oldest children (17 and 14) “in charge” for about 90 minutes until a parent came home. In other words, they were latch-key kids. They also have house chores in addition to homework. And because we’ve been fortunate enough to have lived in the same town for a long time, we have a network of “spies”–other adults who will casually mention to me if they see one of the kids somewhere odd or behaving inappropriately. (This is our “village.”
)
I think there’s been a bit of backpedaling here – a sort of “this nanny/babysitter/childcare option is okay but [this other one] isn’t.” Hairsplitting is fine, but that’s really not the notion left by the original post, and it’s also, well, rather convenient. People hire Nannies for all kinds of reasons, but basically to provide childcare when it is needed, for whatever reason (I have my issues with “nanny diaries” type Moms, but it’s certainly their perogative to bring in extra help if they so desire, especially given their wealth and social class). And it still winds up as a “some women are better mothers than others” judgement that’s mostly about pitting woman vs. woman, and it’s an ugly dynamic.
My point is that much of this debate and heavy judging is unnecessary, and ultimately misses the larger point that lots of women struggle with diffcult choices and bad options that really don’t need to be so difficult, if we’d agree that the important thing is that good, decent, affordable childcare should be more widely available. It’s unrealistic to suggest that by giving women a really hard time, we’ll convince them all to leave the workforce, go home and raise their kids “the way Moms are supposed to.” Yet we – especially people who don’t necessarily have day-to-day experience with these dilemmas – insist on running a “morals quiz” on the need for childcare. It’s a lovely debate, but like it or not, some people need a nanny to help out. And it’s really not our business to judge why, unless it’s our own family, and even then, it’s probably not our concern.
Currently, I am pregnant with the due date being only weeks away. I will not give up my job, but I am able to make my own schedule and I can work less if I need to. The husband WILL help as I do not believe that child-rearing should only be a woman’s job. That job will be shared.
The way I see it, my child should not completely take over my life, but should enhance it. Some might look at me and tell me that I’m not very motherly if I can’t stop everything and invest solely in my child, but I’m not very moved by judgementalism.
I did not go to college to get a MRS degree. I will not stop working for a few years so that down the road male colleagues can scrunch their faces at me when I try to re-enter the field.
I will probably find a babysitter for the times that I need one, but I will not employ a daycare center weekly. My schedule doesn’t fit that and plus, it’s too expensive. We’ll find a happy medium, and I promise not to be too hard on the babysitters.
“I hear a lot of yelling and screaming, but LaShawn what is your solution for mothers who can not afford to stay home with their kids? Should they be seen as a bad parent who is passing along the responsibility of child raising or a responsible parent who is attempting to place a roof over her child’s head and food on the table??”
I thought the discussion was proceeding pretty rationally, myself.
My MIL found herself in this situation…widowed with a high school education. I’m married to her son, who turned out very well, if I may say so.
Obviously, she did the best she could. Just as obviously, *it was not an ideal situation.* I’m sure she would have preferred for her children to have a father *and* a mother. I personally believe God gives special grace in those situations, for those who rely on Him. He is a “father to the fatherless.”
We’ve been through times of unemployment ourselves pretty recently, and I had to go to work for a few months. It wasn’t fun for either my husband or me, or the kids, yet God’s grace was there. Definitely *not the ideal,* though I tried to emphasize the positives.
“Also, to LaShawn and those those who agree with her 100%, if hiring a nanny means that women are out sourcing raising their responsibility to raise their child, does this mean when a woman decides to put her child in school she’s passing the buck too. Why not only home school? C’mon Christian Supermoms!”
Well…I *do* homeschool. So obviously I think that is the best choice. Schools no longer exist to serve parents; it seems to be the other way ’round these days. Courts have been ruling recently that parents have no say whatever in what their children are taught at school. Furthermore, anybody can come in a question or interview your child without your knowledge or consent. The child is considered under the school’s custody during school hours, not the parents’.
For that reason alone, not even touching on safety issues or negative peer influence or conveyor-belt-style teaching, I wouldn’t recommend delegating the education of one’s child to the state anymore. Perhaps in the past, when the state respected parents’ wishes… I know homeschooling is not possible for everyone (and again, God will give grace in those situations), but I do believe homeschooling is possible for many more than currently do.
I should probably also say that my sister has worked as a nanny, of sorts, to work-at-home and stay-at-home moms. But she was more of a mother’s helper than a full-time nanny. The children adored her. I don’t have a problem with mothers hiring *help.* I want to groom one of my own daughters to be a mother’s helper. I think she’d be great at it! I think what LaShawn is talking about in her post is turning over the job of mothering to someone else. Esp. someone who won’t always be there for the kids, like a family member would.
Anyone interested in the view of the job from an insider’s perspective, especially of nannies in NYC, should read “The Nanny Diaries.†(There’s a review of it on my blog.) The authors were nannies for rich women, all white, and the attitudes of the mothers towards their nannies were appalling.
You do know that was a novel, right? Granted, the authors were nannies for a few years, but the book was fiction written to sell books.
I plan on hiring a nanny for the summer when our son is out of school – although they’re free to hang out in my restaurant — it’s just around the corner from our house. And I get off work at 3:30.
What all with race-baiting on one hand, where the race-card practitioners would prefer guilt-ridden white suckers over black “Homey-don’t-play-datâ€.
Ok, you’re reaching here.
On the flip side, I think anyone that has worked in the service industry has plenty of anecdotes and 1st hand experience in black stinginess.
So it is automatically stinginess? How about the fact that people who on average have lower incomes will on average tip lower due to having less money to spend. And despite what so many waiters and waitresses think, a tip is a GIFT that no one is obligated to give you unless it is added to the bill, which basically makes it no longer a tip, but a part of the cost service. Expecting a gift is equivalent to expecting a handout. I wonder if panhandlers hate to see certain races drive up.
Back in the day when I worked as a waiter, unless I knew a particular customer, I didn’t relish serving blacks cause I knew the tips would suck, if any. Is that racist? No! Racial profiling? Yes, because of the experience factor. So sue me.
Maybe they sense your lack of relishing serving them and tip according to your attitude.
This “problem” is a blessing. Parents (of any color), PLEASE do not fob off the duty of child-raising to a nanny. The kids want YOU. Sacrifice whatever you have to do do this job yourself. It is your job. You miss out when you push it onto someone else. And no, occasional babysitters are not what I’m talking about. that’s for a few hours now and then.
Just be there for your kids. They will appreciate it!
RepJ says: “The way I see it, my child should not completely take over my life, but should enhance it.”
I can’t help but think that the priorities are upside down and backwards in that statement.
One anecdote does not make a stereotype, but however …
Earlier this week I (white, with white beard) was at the playground of my obscenely expensive neighborhood with my daughter and her 3 kids. Nine year old boy pushing his two y.o. sister in swing; me getting 6 y.o. granddaughter started in swing so she could kick herself to highest point. My daughter telling her to kick her own self higher and not rely on me.
Adjacent swing. Young black girl (I can’t tell ages, call her 4-7 range), motionless, asks me to push her. As I get her started it’s obvious that she DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SWING. I try to teach her.
My daughter & I see two middle-aged, well dressed, black women, one of whom I assume was the mother, sitting on a park bench talking to each other and their cell phones.
*sigh*
My kids had minimal daycare. We once sat down to figure out whether we could afford children and soon realized that we absolutely could not. So, we had a child anyway and somehow managed to pay the bills with mom staying home. Two years later we had another little budget wrecker. When they got to school age, mom went back to teaching and we turned into taxi drivers after the school day ended and it was time to take them to piano lessons, soccer, gymnastics, the library, etc. That lasted until they could drive themselves.
We never starved, never missed family meals together, took family jaunts, visited relatives, etc. We also were the only ones with no VCR and no family room. If there was a sick kid, we could count on Mrs. Blue to come for the day and make wonderful cheese toast and tomato soup.
Somehow, we just found a way to make it work without trucking our most precious possessions off to the Kids-a-Million Day Care or hiring a stranger. And without worrying about “keeping up” with all the new stuff.
I know this is sappy, but I certainly know a lot of people with the same tale.
Helio, count us in on that deal. My wife could have worked, but chose to raise our two boys instead. This meant that we, too, did without a few of the fancier gizmos, ate more beans and fewer steaks, and drove lesser vehicles. But when I looked at those two boys (honorable and productive men now) at Christmas dinner, with their wives at their sides, I know we did the right thing.
OK, my first time contributing to this site:
It seems that most people feel that hiring a nanny is wrong for two working parents but ok for a single working mother. I still think its wrong. I’m a black, working professional and I am widowed. At one time, I considered the possibility of having someone live in with me and watch the kids in exchange for room and board. No matter how what you call it this equals nanny. I wanted to enter a full time masters program and work full time at the same time. I couldn’t. It is 10 years later and I still don’t have that extra degree but I have been there every step for my kids — the school programs, the football and basketball games, boy and girl scouts, etc. They are all teenagers now and these years go by so fast! They are precious and I thank God because I never regret any decisions that I have made.
It’s a blessing to not only have children but to KNOW them as well.
Is child-rearing all that much of an exact science? I have real trouble with all the judgment being passed here.
You do what makes sense for the family unit, which involves input from at least two people. Sometimes that involves daycare (even some of the stronger commenter advocates against nannying have used “minimal” or seasonal daycare).
Surely, a good nanny is better to have around than a bad parent in any number of circumstances.
And there are surely problem children who have very strong parents who are capable parenters.
Wanting to be there for your children is not wrong; but neither is wanting to provide materially for them either–I know plenty of two-income families where the second income is used primarily for future college costs or private schools or something that directly contributes to the child’s welfare (as opposed to a Nintendo Wii, say).
Further, there are plenty of happy mediums (as the folks who use minimal or seasonal daycare implicitly concede). It’s not like the options are either having a stay-at-home mom or a mother who works an 80-hour week and children who never see their parents.
This issue is not amenable to one-size-fits-all solutions.*
*…but the comment about the Nanny Diaries being fiction made me chuckle.
RE #52: Hi Carol,
Yes, I know “The Nanny Diaries” was fictional. I understand that parts of it were exaggerated for storytelling and that the “mother” in the book is actually a composite of several mothers the authors worked for. But the complaints of the nannies in the article cited by LaShawn and by the mothers echoes what was said in the book by the fictional characters.
Would anyone who has worked as a nanny care to comment about the authenticity of “The Nanny Diaries”? (Nothing like a little Reality Check!
)
Direct Fire #56
I imagine that such incidents stand-out for you moreso than times when you might see blacks involved in active parenting. Now here are my experiences.
One white lady who is a friend of ours is routinely cursed out by her 12 year old son. At one point, he actually slaps her face in front of a group of people. I have also witnessed another friend being kicked in the shin by his 6 year old daughter when she was mad at him.
I never see black children do such things to black parents and my children wouldn’t even dream of it.
However, a few anecdotes do not make a stereotype as you say.
Shde: “How about the fact that people who on average have lower incomes will on average tip lower due to having less money to spend.”
Now you’re reaching.
Is it ok if I reach further and surmise you’ve never waited? And I don’t mean bussing or flipping burgers, otherwise, I don’t think you would have stereotyped lower income people as unable to afford a tip as a fact.
Let me reach further yet and paint a hyperbolic mnemonic for you: “Black Yuppies’ll short change you and White Trash’ll tip you 20%.
Now that I got your attention, it’s not just the Black Yuppies, it’s what I call the victimist class. For example, activists, feminists and every other self-absorbed victim of some imagined conspiracy or another who believe that the world owes them. Perhaps you can enlighten me on why that is? Is it because this is their way of extract reparations for the imagined wrong?
While a few anecdotes do not a stereotype make, a majority will. Maybe I should’ve qualified my comments that on occasions I’ve been pleasantly surprised? On the flipside, the exception does not a stereotype break.
I would think most people can tell the difference between stinginess and affordabilty.
I’d count gaggle of ladies coming in and splurging on champagne and requesting off-menu favors, running up a couple hundred $$ and leaving $1 each as stingy. I don’t expect a tip on burger, fries & ice tea, or from families trying to enjoy a little outing.
Even so, in my experience it’s usually the less-than-well-off people that tip well. As one remarked, knowing what it was like to work for tips, it’s only common courtsey and decency to tip as well as they would like to be tipped–call it a waiter’s golden rule.
“Maybe they sense your lack of relishing serving them and tip according to your attitude.”
Unlike the Frogs, I give everyone the royal treatment until they prove otherwise. Maybe I should have clarified that there’s more to profiling a person than simply by skin color? Should I have mentioned that name-your-ill victimist factor which is a Bayesian Network quotient of non-verbal cues, body language, demeanor and even the verbal cues, n’est pas?
Bottomline, I’m only saying I can understand the black on black nanny issue from my own POV.
“And despite what so many waiters and waitresses think, a tip is a GIFT that no one is obligated to give you…I wonder if panhandlers hate to see certain races drive up.”
On second thot, if the former’s what you believe, then it’s all over your head. As for the latter, you don’t get out much do you?
Ciao!
It doesnt seem to be a problem in LA.
I had a nanny from El Salvador,
My niece and nephew have a live-in nanny from Nicaragua.
Maybe that is an East Coast problem.
Now that I got your attention, it’s not just the Black Yuppies, it’s what I call the victimist class. For example, activists, feminists and every other self-absorbed victim of some imagined conspiracy or another who believe that the world owes them. Perhaps you can enlighten me on why that is? Is it because this is their way of extract reparations for the imagined wrong?
And you say that I’m reaching. Blacks tip less in black owned establishments. What you typed above is fantasy.
Studies have shown that a combination of the greater tendency toward bad service, lower income, and lack of knowledge of tipping standards is the reason for this. Many blacks flat tip and aren’t accostumed to calculating percentages. Many blacks don’t ever dine out and are not familiar with tipping guidelines.
You do know that Asians likewise tip less than white also right? Are you going to call them stingy also, or are blacks your main target in life?
I came from an upper middle class upbringing, and my father is a big tipper. So that is something that I am familiar with and accustomed to. It has nothing to do with me being any less stingy than anyone else.
I tip 20% with adequate service but that is my choice. If for any reason I ever decide to not tip that much, there is nothing that you nor any one else could do about it.
I find that rude and discourteous waiters and waitresses tend to expect a full tip and look funny when they don’t get what they expect. Their apparent mis-judgement of, as you say, my body language cost them what would otherwise be a 20-25% tip. And they look really funny when they see that tip going to the busboy.
And no, I have never been a waiter. My family prepared quite well so that I never had to work menial jobs and I am proud of them for doing so.
Now that we’ve gotten past the race issue, you excuse the lack of training and/or breeding and I claim it tends to be someone with a chip on their shoulder, for lack of a better term, the victimist.
While the topic was black nannies vis a vis black employers, Asian and other-than-Western cultures tend to have a bad rep among nannies of all stripes; demanding and stinginess.
Going back to the breeding, if a person feels they’ve been generous, then they’ve been generous. To say that blacks aren’t familiar with tipping guidelines, suggests that perhaps they’re unaware of the world around them. I’d be interested in meeting a couple such.
There’s no disputing that sometimes it pays to be stingy, more so for experiences most mundane.
I came from a proverty level foundation, missionaries who accepted the average poverty line as their salary so that the rest could go to their mission. My dad was a decent tipper and we’d eat out once a month so that we’d exercise our table manners.
The 20 – 25% you describe sounds more like gratuity rather than gift. Nothing much anyone can do about the nuanced difference, but there it is.
Having had a few Au-pairs from Eastern Europe, I’ve grown aware of how stingy the self-absorbed and/or embittered employers can be. If it weren’t for the network of nanny agencies watching out for them, even more would get screwed by wretched employers.
And yes, I’ve worked (sniff) menial jobs and been proud of it. My family prepared quite well so that I never lacked for resourcefulness in achieving goals and I am proud of them for doing so.
I’ve been up, I’ve been down. Unique experiences gained thru blood, sweat & tears are priceless. I ain’t asking for much. If I had to live my life over again, there’s hardly a phase or place I wouldn’t repeat.
As for the waiting phase, I’ve bussed and waited in HS for spending money. During college served at a Bible camp practically every weekend for little more than gas money. And again years later, walking away from my profession on a 1-yr sabbatical that turned into a decade as expatriate.
Too bad you’ve never had the chance to stint as a (sniff) waiter. Waiting in Europe allowed me to immerse myself in another culture, work about 20 hrs a week and spend the rest of the time motorcycling, whitewatering, climbing, para-sailing, skiing/snowboarding, sailboating.
Rat race? Stress? What me worry? Every day was an adventure. A quick trip between Berlin & Lisbon for a friend’s wedding? No problem, have Ninja 750, will travel. Wanna see a concert, let me pull on my leathers and thunder in on the Harley 1500 stroker. On second thot, I do have two regrets, not doing the ‘hop-the-Bering’s-Straits-take the Trans-Orient-Express-to-Berlin, that and riding thru Baltics to St. Petersburg/Moscow.
/bragging
Ciao
Now that we’ve gotten past the race issue, you excuse the lack of training and/or breeding and I claim it tends to be someone with a chip on their shoulder, for lack of a better term, the victimist.
I didn’t excuse anything. I stated a reason as opposed to a myth. When you attribute certain behavior to single parent households, are you excusing that behavior?
The notion of “a chip on your shoulder” and “victimist” as it relates to this issue is so far fetched it is not even funny. Folks should try asking black people why things are as they are instead of acting like you know more about black people than black people themselves. Blacks disproportionally are less socialized to prioritize tipping and don’t experience the pressure to do so. Blacks are not treated as well by white waiters and waitresses, and blacks on average have less disposable income than whites. Many blacks were reared in homes that rarely, if ever, dined out. It has nothing to do with stinginess or the myth of victimism. The latter is just another way of some whites to exaggerate the notion of “white guilt”.
Asian Americans are generally financially successful, yet tip less than whites. And there are many, many, many, blacks who tip generously, yet are treated like crap by white waiters. I have experienced that quite a lot.
What myth are you referring to?
If I came across as acting like I know more about blacks than blacks themselves, that’s probably because you assumed that I’m not. That’s ok, I’m used to being called Uncle Tom — my hero btw.
Now we’re getting into the chicken – egg cycle.
1) Blacks don’t tip well because of lack of socialized exposure (never mind the bounty of multimedia cues, powerful enough to drive fads and social misbehavior but obviously the notion of a fair tip didn’t filter thru the hours of ad nauseum programming — my opinion).
2) Nevermind the masses of black waitstaff across the US. Apparently I’m asked to believe that lower income blacks don’t collectively discuss the art of tipping and fair rates vs how to max the tips at Waffle House etc? IOWs, blacks really exist in a vacuum, they may work at at the local BBQ joint et al, but they ain’t eating out, so tipping is a mystery subject eh?
In any case, it’d be silly to juxtapose poor black tipping attitudes/behaviors to blacks rich enough to afford a nanny. That’s why I targeted black yuppies. Educated and not poor yet, on average, lousy tippers. Only stands to reason that black lousy tipping yuppies that go on to raise a family tend to be lousy employers, hence the conventional wisdom among nannies to avoid black employers.
As for experience getting treated like crap alot, that’s interesting. In an age where whites try to get down wid it, bling and hip-hop, or otherwise try to act like NWAs”. Odd indeed.
Perhaps the crappy white waiters were insufficiently socially exposed toward giving good service? I mean if their last job was flipping burgers and now they wait at Applebys, I can see how their serivce skillsets might need some improving.
OTH, if you’re a frequent customer, maybe the ‘old-timers’ pass you off to the rookies and lower seniority waiters because time spent serving you is not worth the gratuity you give, ie lingering too long over your meal and nit-picking over the definition of ‘is’. In that case, it ain’t the color of your skin, it’s quantity of your money.
When you say many, many, many, is that what the many tell you, or what you witnessed on average?
Ciao,
La Shawn wrote, “…dumping kids in institutionalized care and handing them over to others to raise is an equal opportunity shame.”
Here’s an unapologetically anti-daycare website that shows exactly how much of a shame it is!
http://www.daycaresdontcare.org
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