In today’s round-up, I offer you a potpourri of topics for discussion.
First, a few blog shout-outs. Tami Gill, inspired by me to read the Harry Potter books, currently is on Book 5. Surf over and welcome her to the fandom. (And no spoilers!) For you Harry-Potter-is-evil folks, check out Laura Mallory and the Misguided Crusade.
Welcome Christian Harry Potter fan and professor John Granger to the blogosphere (and I’m thrilled to see my Christian fantasy fiction blog on his roll)! Also see “Harry Potter and the Charmed Christians” and Who Killed Albus Dumbledore?
The Carnival of Homeschooling celebrates one year of existence. Loyal reader and trackbacker Nathan Bradfield at Church and State celebrates his one-year blogiversary. And welcome commenter and new blogger (relatively speaking) Thomas Nguyen to the blogosphere.
Next on the list is Steve Sailer’s “Fragmented Future” article in American Conservative. Some folks call Sailer a racist; I call him a realist. His latest article is not as controversial as others, but it’s worth checking out. Also see his notes on the Great White Defendant.
Sailer surmises that people tend not to trust people who don’t look or act like them. Citing a study that concludes cultural diversity engenders distrust, Sailer says it also tends to inhibit social cohesion, to the dismay of those who worship the multiculti god. If you live in a “diverse” neighborhood, what’s been your experience?
According to yet another study, women tend to seek “less masculine” men as mates and masculine men for casual encounters. Why? They say men with more masculine features engage in riskier activities, i.e., prone to cheat and invest less time in childrearing. True? Actually, there are two things going on here. Does “more masculine” necessarily mean “more attractive”?
Allow me to offer my five cents. Although I desired the extremely handsome man from afar, I never wanted to date him. Why? Because he was highly sought after and heavily valued by other women, at least at the surface level. Being no prize myself, I figured he’d want an equally attractive woman on his arm.
What is or isn’t handsome is relative, I suppose. And some very attractive men may not even know how beautiful they are. For instance, I once heard Denzel Washington say he had no idea he was considered “cute.”
Yeah, right. 
What I like about Washington, besides his face, is that he’s still married to the wife of his youth.
Gary Dourdan, on the other hand, must have known from birth that he was attractive (those eyes!). Hey, I’m as superficially attracted to good-looking faces and fabulous smiles as the next human being with functional eyes.
What do women want as far as a mate is concerned? Well, this Christian woman wants a godly man who isn’t averse to working, is socially conservative and moderately ambitious (family comes first), can deal with my strong opinions but isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m wrong or out of line, and wants his wife (as opposed to day care or a nanny) to raise his children. [Double secret coded message: I think that describes you. ;)]
“The ideal mate” is relative (how many times have I used that word today?), of course. Our ideal mate probably is not classically handsome or high earning, but he’s ideal for us based on qualities like good character, the ability to patiently put up with us, etc.
Ladies and guys, if you’re still single, what qualities would your ideal mate have? If married, are you with your ideal mate?
“If you live in a “diverse†neighborhood, what’s been your experience?”
I live in a very diverse neighborhood but my experiences are the same as they’ve been in other neighborhoods in which I’ve lived: most people today live very insular lives, the children (most latchkey) rarely play outside, and neighbors nearly never socialize together.
Comment by Mrs. Happy Housewife — 01.05.07 @ 10:58 am
I am with my ideal mate of almost thirteen years. She is ideal for me because she sees to it that all of our family’s needs are taken care of both emotionally and spiritually. She shares my desire to have God at their center of our marriage and work with me to insure that our children understand his influence as well. She is easy to talk to. She makes me laugh. She is wonderfully unpredictable. There are many other things that I can think of that makes me consider her ideal, but I find her interesting most of all.
Comment by Robert Tatum — 01.05.07 @ 11:12 am
I am not with my “ideal mate” (and certainly not my “fantasy mate”), but I am with the “correct mate”.
To clarify: My darling wife has flaws and problems that I would rather she not have (and yes I know she could say the same of me). Some of these flaws and problems have and do put stress on our relationship. However, she has many qualities and abilities that I enjoy and admire including many that balance our relationship and many that improve me. In 21 years, she has been less and more than I had wanted and thought I was getting. But in that time, it has been clear that God knew what he was doing in bringing us together.
Comment by MikeM — 01.05.07 @ 11:16 am
I am married to my ideal mate, or maybe the only woman who could put up with me. We have butted heads for the last 20 some years and finally got most of the corners knocked off. I married a very strong-willed, independent and intelligent woman (she is much smarter and I don’t consider myself a slacker).
Everyone spends way too much time trying to “find the right person.” That time would be better spent on “becoming the right person”. Neither one of us was ideal for the other (or anyone else, for that matter) when we first became husband and wife. It was only when we both decided that we had some growing and giving to do that we became as close as we are today.
In the early days of our marriage, neither one of us would have claimed a good marriage. Today, we both know that our marriage is a treasure, not just to us, but to our children and grandchildren as well.
Comment by benm — 01.05.07 @ 11:21 am
I live in the country, near a very small town. The population, within a 2 mile radius of the center of town, is roughly 1000 whites, 50 blacks, 50 of Mexican ancestry. One of the black families runs a day care center with clients of all colors. One of the Mexican families runs the most popular eatery in town, with customers of all colors. Are we diverse? I suppose so, in real terms, but not through some grand government plan of integration. We’re what we are as things happened naturally, which is the only diversity that makes any real sense.
As for that ideal mate thing, I found her 40 years ago, and never let go. I think she’s given up by now, so the marriage might last.
Comment by RedBeard — 01.05.07 @ 11:28 am
Oooh, I guess I get to be the first single person to chime in.
Qualities for my ideal mate: Christian; Not intimidated by intelligent men (so, fairly intelligent herself); shares, or at least tolerates, some of my interests.
I’m pretty flexible when it comes to looks. I don’t think I have high standards, I just have trouble actually meeting women.
Comment by Hal — 01.05.07 @ 11:38 am
I’m with you LaShawn, I have never been interested in the “cutest” guys.
I like my men to be very masculine, Denzel is even a little too smooth for me.
God put me with my ideal mate for my second marriage. What makes him ideal? First, he loves the Lord and is motivated to deepen his relationship with Him. That leads to all kinds of good traits, like faithfulness, honesty, sobriety, etc. Almost 2 years ago he stopped a 35 year smoking habit, and gives the Lord all the credit. He’s handsome enough and works hard. Best yet, we are extremely compatible.
BTW LaShawn, my 22yo son looks a lot like Gary Dourdan (not sure what color Gary’s are, my son’s are hazel). He’s got a pretty “geeky” personality (civil engineer), so he hasn’t really had to beat off the girls.
Comment by ElCee — 01.05.07 @ 11:54 am
This is the first article that I have read by Sailer that doesn’t make my blood pressure rise so I’ll take what I can get.
As afar as diverse neighborhoods, I grew up in in a predominately black neighborhood with sprinklings of Hispanic folks and now live in a townhome community that is racially mixed (both of my neighbors to the left and right of me are white, across the street is a black/Hispanic couple, a single black man and a Asian couple) and would echo Mrs Housewife in that folks are very insular and keep to themselves.
Comment by Tiffany in Houston — 01.05.07 @ 12:00 pm
La Shawn, I’m very similar to you in what I want of a man - godly, ambitious, got to have a job, must want the woman at home raising kids while he provides. Unfortunately for me, I got married as a feminist years ago, working while telling my husband that I want to work always! When first baby came I changed completely and didn’t want NO OTHER woman raising my child. Hubby wanted the old feminist back because he enjoyed the two paychecks. My new way of thinking led to our divorce indirectly four kids later and that’s where I am now. Divorced and still single as I am very picky of what I want in a man - a man who recognizes the job of child-rearing as what it is - a very demanding JOB!
Oh yea, it won’t hurt a bit if my next hubby looks like Gary Dourdan or Brad Pitts - oooweee!
Comment by Carlotta Morrow — 01.05.07 @ 12:10 pm
While I don’t disagree with the diversity issues stated by Sailer, I do think that some of it has to do with just being in an urban area. When you live in smaller communities, you are forced in some respects to depend on others more. (only one food store a handful of shops etc.) In urban areas there is more crime, more opportunities to have other interactions so you don’t need your neighbors per se like you might in other places. I think diversity is nice if it is not forced. In college people always wondered why the races stuck together. To me it was simple, you “hand with” people you are familiar with or who are like you. What is wrong with that as long as you are not purposefully harmful to others?
As for the mate thing. I think that we need to have courses on the dangers of certain things before people get married. I married a really nice guy who had qualities that I thought would cause him to be more “stable” than some other men. Like a two parent family, college education (not that I am against hard working men who have not gone to college), good “social” networks (not into gangs or groups that don’t promote positive involvement.
However, we were young when we met and started dating. My mom died, premarital sex got in the way (it is dangerous when you start that early because it can mask the reality of somethings because you focus on the love you think you have based on the sex). Neither one of us at the time was strong in our commitment to the Lord. I grew ALOT in Christ (thanks be to God). He grew a little. So now, we have somewhat different values. That is problematic because I live my life with much more of a focus on pleasing the Lord. He is just not there yet. We also have problems because with all the good things about him (loving dad, excellent money manager, family oriented) he is emotionally void when it comes to women because his mother was not a very good mother figure. He has let that bias him toward all women, even me. I let the premarital sex blind me to his “issues”. Neither one of us is a fan of divorce but things get harder as we grow apart. Pray for us…
Heather
Comment by Heather in MD — 01.05.07 @ 12:25 pm
“If you live in a “diverse†neighborhood, what’s been your experience?”
I’ve always lived in “diverse†neighborhoods, with the exception of the time spent in my previous marriage. Currently my neighborhood (as well as the suburb I live in) is majority white. There is a black family next door, and the gentleman on the other side is white with biracial grandchildren. There are a number of Hispanic families, as well as a white/Asian family several doors down.
There are LOTS of kids in the neighborhood, ranging in age from babies to teens – although we really don’t see the teenagers very much. Most of the children outside playing range in age from five to thirteen. Our four kids range in age from six to twelve (and we have a baby on the way), and it’s not unusual for us to have upwards of ten kids in and out of the house on the weekends. Having a creek running behind our house also tends to make us popular.
The only problems we’ve ever had with neighbors has been with the black ones next door – and that wasn’t because they were black, but rather how they dealt with the situation when their dogs killed my daughter’s cat last year. One of the dogs bit me when I tried to retrieve Coco (she was still alive at the time). The neighbors would not give us her body for my daughter to bury, and would not provide the dog’s shot records. My husband tried telling Anthony that there was no animosity for the cat’s death, but we needed the shot records because the dog bit me and we needed to bury the cat. We ended up having to contact the city.
“Ladies and guys, if you’re still single, what qualities would your ideal mate have? If married, are you with your ideal mate?”
I am absolutely with my ideal mate. My husband is a very strong Christian (something my previous husband claimed) who is active in our church, and he understands the role of “husband and fatherâ€. He is firm with the kids (his and mine) when he needs to be without displays of temper, knows how to have fun, and is very affectionate and attentive. Music is his avocation, and he plays the keyboards like my dad does.
Both of us like to go and do, so we decided before we married that rather spending lots of money on “thingsâ€, we’d prefer to take those funds and spend them on taking the kids places, or on vacations for the two of us. We both believe that life is for living and making memories. In the two years we’ve been together we’ve made more happy memories than were made in the entire ten years I spent with my previous husband.
He is not “perfect†by any means. Neither am I. Both of us have problems with procrastination when it comes to unpleasant things, and he’s a little ADD, whereas I sometimes get too focused on my work or whatever project I’m currently working on. He buzzes around like the Energizer Bunny on steroids, while I enjoy my quiet time and reading.
Regarding appearance, my husband matches exactly what I’ve always liked physically in a man - he’s a little over 6 feet tall, with dark curly hair, goatee and mustache, and brown eyes. His features may not be the most “masculine†around, but he is beautiful to me.
Comment by ElvenPhoenix — 01.05.07 @ 12:58 pm
I’ve been married eight years to an Hispanic woman and have spent considerable time with her family in what you might call diverse neighborhoods, ranging from Chicago to Texas to Mexico (well, the Mexican neighborhoods aren’t really diverse, are they?). How has my perception of Hispanic people changed, if at all?
I am certainly more comfortable around Spanish-speaking people in general simply because if my increased exposure to various Hispanic cultures and, perhaps more important, my improved understanding of the language. However, if I merely lived near several Hispanic families, but never spent any time with them, I doubt my comfort level would have changed at all.
But comfort level based on cultural awareness and language comprehension seems to have more to do with addressing mild fears of the unknown rather than the uglier type of fear that stokes the raging fires of white guilt: fear of physical harm. It’s one thing to feel uncomfortable around Hispanic people because they’re speaking a language you don’t understand, or black people because they’re listening to music you don’t like. It’s entirely another thing to fear for your physical safety at the mere sight of a person outside your race.
So, has any propensity to feel such fear increased or decreased in my life? I’d say it’s stayed exactly the same. If I fear encountering anyone on a dark city street, it is someone who I believe might wish to do me harm. Duh. And I swear to you the color of his skin matters not one iota. It is the way he carries himself and the way he regards me when (or if) our eyes meet. A white guy can shoot me just as easily as a black guy.
Comment by Eric — 01.05.07 @ 1:17 pm
As for multi-cultural living, the further we go diverse it gets
Single most desirable attribute in a mate? Not Crazy! I know that sounds strange. But my former girlfriend added so much turmoil to my life that I was relieved when we parted ways. I wish her well now, but…
Comment by Doug — 01.05.07 @ 1:25 pm
Hello La Shawn,
Thanks for the mention
As to your post, I’ve lived in diverse neighborhoods all my life, and I’d have to say multi-culturalism does inhibit cohesion. In fact, when I think back on it, as I grew older, people and races move farther apart and become a bit more antagonistic.
In the past, this widening schism probably would have been atrributed to parents teaching their kids to be prejudiced, i.e. the sins of the father being visited on the son. But I don’t think that is most of the case now, though I’ll grant that this sort of conditioning happens frequently.
I think this widening schism is due to this desire to be “set apart”, to be “special”. Personally, I think this is primarily due to the narcissism of our times. Being force-fed multi-culturalism and feminism and other “-isms” certainly helped raise the fire, but it’s was already lit from the moment we were born. A baby is entirely egocentric.
Momma shows up and gives attention. Momma feeds. Cry a little and Momma give me whatever I want. Etc. This is what it means to be Fallen.
Multiculturalism, feminism, and victimology, in my opinion, allows a person to advance in age and remain three years old emotionally. Being focused on “my people” and identifying that as others of my race, gives one the illusion of self-importance that they universe would otherwise deny.
I can’t tell you how many friends I have lost along the way because everything they say made them appear the victim of race. By the time our friendships deteriorated, they have sadly become bigoted people, God bless them. The scary part about this was that some were oblivious of their own bigotry. They had the perfect concurrance of their conscience and were, in fact, self-righteous in the wholesale judgment and condemnation.
(This also scares me because where have I done the same thing– this doesn’t necessarily have to be about race; it could be about sex. Race is just one of most the common ones.)
Multi-culturalism really is just a desire to revert back to tribalism. It fragments us and turns us into warring groups with vying agendas.
Comment by Thomas — 01.05.07 @ 2:10 pm
I grew up in the midwest, in a little town suburb called (of all things) “Urbandale.” There was one black girl in my high school, and I remember I adored her: she was scary-smart, straight-A’s, and danced ballet, while I was an underachieving, clumsy tomboy.
Most desirable trait in a mate: ability to make me laugh. Oh, and integrity. The thing about looks is that no matter how attractive someone is, or how they make you weak in the knees, looks tell you NOTHING about them! And it seems that many extremely attractive people develop a sense of entitlement about who they’ll date and what they expect. Tiring. Since most of us probably fall somewhere in the “average” category, I’ll be looking for that great, average guy with an incredible personality. Like me!
Comment by jan — 01.05.07 @ 3:06 pm
The experience of diversity
After reading the article, I began to reflect on my own life and experiences. This will probably tick some people off, but I’m only being honest. When my husband and I went looking
Trackback by Repository of Roving Recollections — 01.05.07 @ 3:44 pm
Hi there, La Shawn! Thanks so much for the shout-out.
While I was still on the dating scene, I was certain that my ideal mate was a tall man (6′3 or taller), in great shape, with a great income to match. After dating a few men that fit this description, I soon realized that I was on a futile search for happiness.
Back in 1994, I met the man who is now my husband, and we became good friends over the following year. During our friendship, it became clear to me what my ideal mate actually was: A man that wants to spend his off days with me. One that is very forthcoming and honest with me at all times, no matter what. One that I could sit and watch football games with and high-five when our team scores a touchdown! One that is strong and seeks God first in ALL that he does. A man that comes and grabs my hand before we go to bed so that we can pray together. Finally, a man that was already my best friend.
My husband and I weren’t necessarily drawn to one another when we first met; at the time, we both had different ideal mates in mind. But over time, we became more and more drawn to each other until we both realized that we could never live without one another!
Comment by Tami Gill — 01.05.07 @ 4:21 pm
Hi, La Shawn - I’m interrupting the flow of ideal mate discussion just to pass on a couple of Harry Potter links. I just finished reading book 6 (excellent, BTW) and sought out some Christian commentary on it. Pastor Todd Wilkin, host of the Lutheran radio show Issues, Etc., did two hours talking about the subject. He interviews Dr. Richard Stuckwisch of Emmaus Lutheran Church of South Bend, Ind., who is of the opinion that Harry Potter is NOT dangerous for Christians, but in fact have much in common with C.S. Lewis and other Christian fantasy writers. (I never knew that J.K. Rowling was Christian, either!)
The interviews are linked here:
http://worldwide.kfuo.org/kfuo/issues_etc6/Issues_Etc_Sep_03a.wma
http://worldwide.kfuo.org/kfuo/issues_etc6/Issues_Etc_Sep_03b.wma
Cheers!
Comment by Big Mo — 01.05.07 @ 4:36 pm
Thomas: I think you are onto something there. For all that multiculturalism pretends to be about tolerance, there is a nudge-nudge-wink-wink quality to the whole thing. In school, they may teach the young kids, “Everyone is special”. But they they will send the white boys out in the hall, and tell all ther other students, “Everyone may be special, but your gender and ethnic group is super duper extra special.” Add to that the general narcissism that all children are taught these days, and you wind up with a population full of people who have been trained to think that they are inherently superior and needn’t trouble themselves with interacting with the hoi-polloi.
Having said that, I will say that insular behavior is most definitely not confined to mixed-race neighborhoods. And I think there is another cause: parents are told today that children are the 100% focus of their lives. The job of parents is to cater to their children, around the clock, every day. Every minute that they spend on themselves or their spouses is a minute that their children have been deprived of. Horrors! Couples with children do not socialize any more. They can’t, because they will feel horribly guilt about depriving their children if they do. My parents never had trouble with socializing and interacting with each other or other adults when they were raising us. (And quite frankly, I was grateful for the times when they were out of my hair for a few minutes!) But not today. So, no going to the neighbor’s house. No parties or cookouts where you put the children in the basement, or send them outside, while the sdults chat. So there is no real “neighborhood”, and neighbors never get to know each other.
Ideal mate? Yes, my dear wife is my ideal mate. In response to Mike, I know this is word-smithing, but I choose not to define “ideal mate” in terms of something that is unobtainable. That would not be fair to her. She is ideal in that I’m convinced that there is no other woman on this planet who would be better for me than she is. And that’s all I could ask for.
Comment by Cousin Dave — 01.05.07 @ 4:40 pm
What am I looking for in a man?
I want a man I can share my unique life with and his mine. That would mean a man who likes healthy vegetarian food, simple living, reading, nature, creativity, gardening, and animals. It would also be nice if he had a belief in God and enjoyed meditation and spirituality, but I am happy if he simply respects these choices of mine. I don’t expect him to like everything I like but the basics of food and some lifestyle choices.
I am almost 40, and I can honestly say I am turned off by selfish men. I like a man who gives, not necessarily money, but enjoys giving of himself. I never needed a man to make a lot of money as I have always been OK without a ton of money. And that’s all I’ve ever attracted anyhow, creative types that don’t make a lot of money. I can live with that.
But I cannot live with the nihilistic, sarcastic, unpatriotic, hate America, dislike Christmas and God types. It gets so old and takes the joy out of my life. I find them angry and empty. More and more I am attracted to men with more traditional values and who like to be masculine in a positive way. However, it’s hard to find that kind of man in the vegetarian groups.
Comment by Kristina C. — 01.05.07 @ 4:44 pm
La Shawn,
Thanks for the link and well wishes for my first blogiversary. I’m glad there are fellow conservatives that have been doing this longer than I have to look up to.
Best wishes to you for a prosperous and blessed 2007.
Comment by Nathan Bradfield — 01.05.07 @ 5:13 pm
Hmm…I am just wondering who the “you” is that you are refering to in the quote: [Double secret coded message: I think that describes you.]
Is there a certain gentleman you are referring to?
Comment by Kimberly — 01.05.07 @ 5:29 pm
I understand Denzel’s astonishment at being labeled “cute”. I see myself as being just this side of simian. A number of women have expressed the notion that I’m “cute”, and one went so far as to say “hot”.
Personally, I think she needs an eye exam.
Comment by I R A Darth Aggie — 01.05.07 @ 5:39 pm
We were married in 1964 and so I thought it would be safe to ask my wife what her ideal mate would be like. She said she would think about it and asked me to take out the trash.
I’ll get back to you if I get an answer.
(Between us, my wife can’t be too bright, because she has put up with me for an awful long time.)
Comment by Heliotrope — 01.05.07 @ 6:48 pm
I want to add my experiences with multiculturalism.
To me, it’s natural to hang out with people of similar intelligence, sensibilities and interests. For this reason, I don’t feel I have much in common with the Latino community (I am in the LA area). I do have a very good friend who is Mexican. He is very open to our culture, has complimented me many times on my culture and we get along because we have a lot in common. But he is not the norm by any means. He is ostracized for some of his values that are outside his culture (he is a vegetarian and a converted Jew!). I am very proud of him for being the individual that he is. He always says “I am from Districto Federal (DF)”, rather than the rural areas of Mexico. The rural people are considered much less cultural and educated. It seems to me most of the immigration from Mexico is coming from the rural areas.
I feel there is too much preoccupation with race instead of what’s on the inside. I know I can connect with Indians and Asians because I feel I have more in common with them. It’s more an inside rather than outside thing. I also feel the more educated you are, or more intelligent you are, the more able you are to connect and look beyond race. Unfortunately, most Latinos in this area do not seem to be this way. They are very insular. My friend says they do not try other ethnic foods or venture outside of their group.
I feel now my community, although beautiful, although mostly white, is not very community like. I don’t think I could ever be happy living in a Latino community because I don’t feel they would be open to me (single, vegetarian, avid reader, quiet type) and I could not deal with gangs, loitering and loud music. I just prefer a calm, quiet neighborhood with people who like to read books and walk their dogs. My wish is to live and be around people with similar civic values, who are friendly and loving, like to keep the neighborhood clean, appreciate beauty and enjoy culture…whatever color they are. If they can befriend me, I will befriend them. That is my wish.
Comment by Kristina C. — 01.05.07 @ 6:52 pm
Funny you are talking about this. I was browsing through Dr. Laura’s new book last night “Care and Feeding of Marriages”.
I want someone kind and polite. You’d be surprised how difficult that is in today’s rude, and mean, society.
I love Steve Sailer. “Not as controversial…..” . That article is not controversial, period. That article isn’t opinion or editorial. He’s simply highlighting statistics from other people. Pretty tame.
Comment by Glamchild — 01.05.07 @ 7:10 pm
I am with my ideal mate, but I wound up traveling half-way around the world to meet her (God works in mysterious ways). I was once accused of being “afraid” of American women. I am not sure what they meant. If by “American women” they mean media-created freaks like Paris Hilton, then I am not afraid. “Terrified” is the more accurate word.
My wife is godly woman who is far smarter and kinder than I am - not to mention heart-stoppingly beautiful. All of these features attracted me to her. The first few years of our marriage were spent overseas in a community of Africans like herself. Currently, we live in America, and one day we hope to return to Africa permanently. I guess that to a certain extent we don’t live up to Sailer’s theory that “differences repel”.
On the subject of having a fling: I do not have (1) the time, (2) the energy, and (3) the desire to have one. I see many attractive women and appreciate their beauty and spirit, and that is as far as it goes.
Disclaimer: No place that I have lived has had a population exclusively of rich white college-educated liberal Democrats, so by the standards of my moral betters in the MSM and elsewhere I have never lived in a “diverse” neighborhood.
Comment by Mwalimu Daudi — 01.05.07 @ 8:04 pm
My husband is a gift from God. We have been married for 21 years. He is my knight in shining armor, my best friend, and the man of my dreams. When he touches me, I feel warm and fuzzy inside. I love his sense of humor, his laugh and the way he looks at me. I love his work ethic and his morals. I thank and praise God for him everyday! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!
Comment by Sharon — 01.05.07 @ 9:24 pm
I got married at age 19 to a man who was close enough to the ideal I had at the time. He had legs like stone from riding his bicycle all through college, and he was interested in me. The marriage lasted 18 mostly unhappy years.
My ideals have changed. Now I’m looking for:
1) A Christian man whose faith has been tested (not a brand-new Christian who thinks God will keep him from facing any more difficulties in life)
2) A man who does not want new children (been there, all done with that)
3) A man who makes me laugh (just like Jessica Rabbit said)
4) And then all the integrity, faithfulness, good character things everyone else has said.
Comment by SkyePuppy — 01.05.07 @ 9:24 pm
When People Magazine (or one of its clones) declared George Clooney the “Sexiest Man Alive,” my friend and I looked at each other (we’re both white) and agreed that the magazine is staffed with stupid, blind people. Everyone knows Denzel Washington is the Sexiest Man Alive. And a big part of that is that he’s been faithful to the wife of his youth.
Clooney is a lightweight.
Comment by SkyePuppy — 01.05.07 @ 9:40 pm
My husband is my ideal. Masculine and God-fearing. I knew it when I first saw him. Of course, I allowed God to confirm it for me.Did you ever read Peggy Noonan’s column, The Duke is Back? (I’ll bet it’s in her archives) That’s the kind of man I’m talkin’ about. Not the artificially “masculine” type that poll seemed to be referring to. Over time, getting to know him, I learned that we shared the same ideal for marriage–traditional roles for men and women, and that we were very compatible.
It will happen for you too, La Shawn. I just know it!
Comment by Michelle — 01.05.07 @ 11:16 pm
I live in a pretty diverse neighborhood and have suffered no ill-effects. Class, character and lawn caretaking do not run along racial lines.
The ideal mate is one who you share core values with and treats everyone with respect. Opposites don’t usually do well.
The two I seriously dated before my husband had the tendency to speak down to me and try to make me feel as though I were stupid. La Shawn, don’t ever let anyone do this to you. Find someone of equal intelligence to you, trust me.
Comment by RepJ — 01.05.07 @ 11:50 pm
I have never not lived in a racially diverse area, to an extent that monoracial areas feel “odd†to me.
But what I really want to weigh in on is the ‘looking for an ideal mate’ topic. I happen to have a job that involves dealing with those who have failed at marriage, and for those of you who are still looking, PLEASE read the following with care:
Think carefully right now about what is you want in a spouse, and why you want it. If you don’t know already–and an excessive number of people are confused on this point–a wedding is *not* a magic ceremony. The woman whose own parents warned you she was crazy, and the unemployed pot-smoking loser living in his mother’s basement? They don’t become sane or responsible when the officiant says you’re man and wife. No. They stay exactly as they are. They are *not* going to magically become what you want, just because you want it to happen, and with no effort from the you. Or worse, they think that if they do their best to reward the behavior they abhor, that the person will change for the better. Quit dreaming, file under “Happen, ain’t gonna.â€
~I notice that people break the next three rules when they, at the deepest level, see their intended spouse as a prop:
1) Marry your equals. That simply means, do not latch onto dysfunctional people and try to “rescue†or “fix†them, especially if you are prone to magical thinking (the idea that change comes with an effortless wish). Marry someone who is well-adjusted and able to cope on an adult level without you. “Rescuing†might gratify your ego, but the thing about dysfunctional people is that you will get caught up in their dysfunction, and so will your children if you have any. Save yourself the pain.
2) On the flip side, do not search for the Knight on a White Horse. The Knight deserves better than to marry someone who is only interested in him for selfish reasons, so do not marry someone because you think that person can change your circumstance in life, whatever that may be. *You* change the circumstance. One of the more common reasons people marry is to get out of their parents’ house. The problem is that these people are not teenagers. Get a job. Get an apartment. Get a roommate. Don’t get married.
3) Take the future spouse seriously. You will have no right to feel miserable if your husband told you before he married you that he didn’t want children, and he continued to feel the same way after you married him. So, if you want kids or fill-in-the-blank, find someone who shares that goal. If the one you’re with isn’t on board with your goal, do not assume he will change his mind just because you want him to. See the above about magical thinking.
~You are not obliged to marry someone you have dated for a long time. You can break up after eight years of dating. You’ll hurt for a while, you’ll get over it, and you’ll move on, and so will she.
~You are not obliged to get married simply because you’ve finished college/have a stable job/turned 25. Marriage is not the “next step.†Your life is not on a schedule.
~Don’t be passive. If you are afraid to speak up for yourself, then you need to be especially wise about who you marry. For some reason an awful lot of passive people gravitate towards those who walk all over them. Allowing others to mistreat you is not a virtue, and it doesn’t make you a good person.
If you believe that allowing your wife to isolate you from family and friends and insulting you publicly and privately is not a good enough reason to stand up for yourself, then seek help. Don’t get married, in fact, avoid romantic relationships until you start thinking straight on that point. Never forget that people treat you exactly how you let them treat you.
~Jealousy/Possessiveness is not a sign of love. Related to that, I love this quote: If a man looks behind the door, it is because he has stood there himself. When your boyfriend starts accusing you of sleeping with any man you look at, just save time and assume he is cheating on you. This is often the case.
~It is not enough that he share your background. Don’t assume just because he is the right age/religion/race that this is all that matters. Look to their values, their virtues, their goals, etc, but above all, look at what they *do*.
~Background *does* matter; however. If your future mate comes from say, a dysfunctional family, he is likely to have picked up maladaptive traits from this experience, and if he is not self-aware then he may unconsciously revert to certain coping mechanisms for certain situations. Be watchful of how the intended copes with stress and adversity: cut and run? Deny there’s a problem? Shut down and withdraw? Lash out at others? That’s what he will do when you marry him and times get rough.
When it comes to those with less than happy childhoods, some people “rise above,†and some people “get into the groove,†so to speak. If the one you want has a troubled past, make sure he fits the “riser†category. The “groovers†will stay with what they know, and that spells trouble for you (and them).
~Let’s go back to the man in his mother’s basement for a second. If you insist on thinking that he’s totally the one for you, do yourself a favor see if he can hold a job for no less than a year. A job that’s going somewhere would be great. This also goes for the druggie/alcoholic/gambler/excessive spender. Let him spend one year without that problem before you even consider getting engaged, and know that that year comes *after* the year you give him to get rid of the problem and clear up the fallout from when the problem existed.
~Further to family background: watch your own parents. Do you see their traits mirrored in your future spouse? I notice people with controlling parents often marry controlling people, even though it makes them miserable. Or, they become controlling people themselves. Do not mindlessly emulate your parents’ behavior. Be aware of what patterns you are falling into and decide if those patterns ought to lead to happiness or misery.
~You are not that special. If your girlfriend is rude and intolerable to other people, especially to other men she will be that way with you, too. Think about the wait-staff test. If she’s rude to the waiter, kick her to the curb.
~When everyone asks you what you see in her, STOP AND THINK. There is something wrong with her more than likely, and you need to take a break and figure out why your boss, your parents, your high school students (I’m not kidding), her family, your friends, your coworkers, and her friends are all questioning why you’re with her and warning you not to marry her. No, you are *not* the only one who understands her. You are deluded. *You*. If she is Ms. Right then you won’t need to make excuses for her to these people. I noticed over and over that men are extremely dismissive of reality when the woman in question is beautiful yet manipulative/cruel/spiteful, or destructively needy (the rescue impulse), and women do this when the man in question is some kind of loser/jerk/abuser who they want to change.
~Mind you–questioning what you see in this person is not the same as disrespecting that person. So–if your intended allows others to disrespect you by insulting you, excluding you from gatherings, etc, don’t marry him. A man who allows his mother to demean you is not your true love. He should not let others feel comfortable mistreating you. This rule is especially important for passive people.
~Your spouse and your mother are drowning. You can save one, but not the other. If your gut instinct is not to save the spouse, you’re not ready for marriage. Don’t marry that person, it isn’t fair to her.
~And finally, one of the most commonly cited reasons people marry the wrong person is because they are too bloody cheap and prideful to cancel the wedding when sirens are screaming “Bad call! Bad call! Don’t marry!†It doesn’t matter how much you spent on the wedding preparation. See, it’s called eBay: sell your dress/engagement ring there. It doesn’t matter if you think you would feel embarrassed about not going through with the marriage. Be a woman (or a man)and call. Off. The. Wedding.
Whew. That’s it for the single people.
Comment by Tyrian Purple — 01.06.07 @ 1:01 am
Now *what* could that “coded message” mean?
I’m definitely with my dream guy. We’re going on 16 years. We complement each other perfectly. I had decided ahead of time never to marry unless I was 100% certain that I should. I asked God for that certainty when I met the right man. Well, with my guy, I was certain.
I think having the same values, but different (complementary) temperaments, makes a great marriage.
Also, if she wants to *be* an ideal mate, a wife must never, never, never nag. It’s totally counter productive. (Don’t ask how I learned that.)
Comment by Susannah — 01.06.07 @ 2:54 am
I’m one of those rare birds who is single and happy to remain so for the foreseeable future. I can only explain it by saying that I have absolutely no interest in dating or marriage, and by God’s grace I am perfectly content to remain in this state.
Comment by marcus — 01.06.07 @ 5:02 am
You’re finally wrong about something, LaShawn: the part about not being any prize yourself.
Comment by Dave — 01.06.07 @ 8:49 am
I’m with my ideal mate for sure–we’re a great match. He’s Christian, strong, dependable, responsible, thoughtful, a great cook…and quite literally, he is a professional Boy Scout (executive), so he spends all day with people with similar values. His other major career option was to be a pastor but he was concerned he’d be away from the family too much.
I got quite a prize!!! Hey have you read Marriage and Caste in America yet? I think it would be right up your alley.
Comment by Christine — 01.06.07 @ 11:29 am
I want to quibble with your “he wants his wife to raise his children” statement. I want to raise my children with my wife. She’s a partner, not a sub-contractor.
I’m referring to a man who does not want his children dumped in institutionalized care or raised by another woman (a nanny). I was waiting for some Dodo bird to misunderstand (or pretend to) or misinterpret the statement, and here you are!
Comment by Sam — 01.06.07 @ 12:25 pm
My mate proposed 2 days after we met! I thank God every day for him. He has allowed me to fulfill my role as a wife and mother fantastically. We both are very strong Christians, and deeply committed to our family. We have homeschooled our children for 12 years and love our life.
I can not express how rugged and tough my husband is, and I truly wanted this type from the get go. I love being a wife. The relationship between us is even better than when we met.
By the way no matter what income we had, we always have relied only on his income. Another reason that I am so blessed.
Jennifer
Comment by jennifer — 01.06.07 @ 1:34 pm
Awesome blog! I’ll be bock (said in a Schwarzneggian voice). Anyways, this whole ideal mate thing is something I’ve been struggling with for the past two days and off and on through the course of my present relationship! My blog post today deals with this struggle, which is why I was shocked when I navigated to this blog. It’s funny how the Lord guides us, even over the internet. So here’s my question to you and your readers: Can someone be your ideal mate if they are the person you’ve been waiting for your whole life BUT they constantly drive you to the brink of insanity? I can tell I need to go a lot deeper into prayer with/about this relationship. Happy New Year! This is a blog I will definitely keep up with.
Comment by Marta Odum — 01.06.07 @ 1:49 pm
I thank God everyday for my husband, since he is truly the man of my dreams. Although not perfect, he is perfect for me. He is handsome, loving, and loyal. He adores me and is a true gentleman. I believe part of this comes from the fact that he has 4 sisters, so he is very respectful of me, and women in general. He is also a wonderful father, and I pray that the Lord gives us many, many more years together.
Bizimama
http://www.bizimama.com
http://www.lordsart.com
Comment by Bizimama — 01.06.07 @ 5:15 pm
Ditto Dave on post #36. I tried to e-mail La Shawn at the posted address with that same thought, but it bounced back to me more than a day after I sent it. Any guy worth his salt would know that he was blessed richly if he wound up with her.
Comment by Mark Folkestad — 01.07.07 @ 2:36 am
I believe that heaven will be diverse. I grew up in neighborhoods that were primarily white, with sprinkles of blacks, Asians and hispanics. I did not see huge problems. The problem today, as some have suggested, is that many people lead insular lives and don’t reach out to anyone.
Growing up I recall my mom bringing people together in our apartment complex, so that on any given day there would be whites, Jews, other blacks, or Pakistani people walking through our door. That was nice. When very young, my best friends were Korean and black, and later, largely Jewish.
In most cases I think the race problems can kind of fade to background, but the “behavior problems” (often confused as racial traits or culture) are what move people apart.
As for finding love and finding someone special, I have a certain ideal in my head. Someone young enough to have kids (I am 37), someone with some college and interest in the world at large, and who loves music. She must understand the importance of forgiveness and how it relates to love, and she must be optimistic. I’ve probably seen enough Christians to know that being a Christian only means that you are saved, and not necessarily better behaved than the average secular person, so I am not so keen to say she must be a Christian, although that certainly matters.
But I’ve been alone so long, and seen so much disappoint. My taste in women has always been beyond my ability to attain them, and I don’t want just any woman. I want what I want, and so often the path is long and winding and quite windswept, my father forsaking me in this matter.
Comment by Finn — 01.07.07 @ 2:48 am
I am Hispanic, male, age 53, currently living in Italy, teaching at an international school, speak 3 languages, two masters degrees, born into a migrant family that settled in a rural town (pop. 5000)in Idaho, have worked as field laborer, factory worker, ski instructor, teacher, principal, consultant, etc. etc. My parents had no more than a second grade education but sacrificed to send nine of us to a parochial school and were too proud to accept free tuition so we paid our way by hoeing beets in the summer. I took my father’s advice: Treat everyone with respect and in that way you respect yourself. If someone disrespects you, it is their problem not yours.
Diversity? Multiculturalism? I tend to think of them as code words. I can count on one hand the number of instances of outright bigotry or prejudice that I have encountered in my lifetime. Oddly, the instances I have encountered the “bigotry of condescension” by individuals that profess to be “open-minded and progressive” are innumerable.
As for an ideal mate, I am with her now. Sadly it took a divorce and long period of looking to find her. It was my daughter, then sixteen, that laid down the parameters for my search. She broached that topic with an inquiry if I was ever going to re-marry. I said I doubted it. She then launched into what kind of woman she thought I needed. Here were her thoughts:
1. Intelligent - She said that she observed that no matter how attractive a woman was, if they weren’t very intelligent I lost interest in about 20 seconds. She proceeded to mimic my body language that I exhibited in those instances and I was startled by its accuracy.
2. Ambitious - She said the right person would be willing to try and learn new things. She told me she thought I was the smartest person she knew because I was curious about everything and never stopped learning.
3. Athletic - “You’re the youngest old guy I know Dad. She is going to have to be in good shape to keep up with you.”
4. Cute - She used that word to describe someone that was not gorgeous but had what I referred to as “quiet beauty.” Attractiveness starts from within and works it way outward.
I did meet and marry that woman. I thank God that she married me. And I always give credit to my very smart daughter; she was right about who I needed in my life.
Israel
Comment by Israel — 01.07.07 @ 5:54 am
I’ve always noticed one common theme, present in this thread as well. Most men (myself, certainly) who are in great long-term marriages are somewhat puzzled by why women as wonderful as their wives have stayed with them all these years.
Call it typical male confusion if you will, or an admission of our feelings of inadequacy. 
Comment by RedBeard — 01.07.07 @ 8:45 am
I for one like diversity. My family added to the diversity of the block when we as the first black family moved in. There were already a couple of Asian families in the block. I belong to a strong Bible teaching church. The congregation is primarily Black American, but also includes 1st and 2nd generation families from African nations such as Togo and Uganda; Caribbean such as Jamaica where my pastor’s parents and wife were born; and Asian, Hispanic, and White American. You should have seen and tasted the culturally diverse food from the covered dish luncheon at our missionary conference!
As one gets older, that ideal mate does not have to look so perfect. My socializing has always been in church circles. Good Bible teaching taught me not to be unequally yoked e.g. Christian willingly marries an unbeliever. I have to admit that I have had challenges in the past with that teaching. I never wanted to be married to a man who took the Biblical “wives submit to your husbands†commands to the extremes. From observation over the years of married couples in my church circles, I have witnessed a few husbands barking orders at their wives as if they were their super strict fathers. I do get questioned about now being a contented single. Some have reminded me from my former church of a woman about 22 years ago marrying for the first time at 56 (I was at that wedding). So I am told to keep hope alive, and nothing is impossible with God.
Comment by Bev — 01.07.07 @ 3:49 pm
My ideal mate is a (preferably black because I’m a black woman)guy who is devoted to Jesus first, and me second. That’s real not cliche. He’s got to already know who is and not follow after others in our culture because that’s the way it’s always been done. That means hes got to think for himself (which to me means think conservative. I would love to meet a good black conservative christian man. smile).
Hes got to be strong enough to tell me when he thinks I’m wrong even if its about my own sons, who are 15,16,21. I’m pretty much done raising them, and I think I’ve done pretty good with the Lord by my side, but if he sees something that he thinks is wrong he should tell me.
Hes got to be financially stable. I’m going on 40 and I don’t believe in loaning out my car(he should make enough to rent one when necessary), helping him pay his mortgage or utilities(he ought to have a savings), or helping him to pay his child support(my ex-husband got a second job to pay his and you gotta do what you gotta do).
But if the relationship is underway and going well then any of these things are conceivable. But shhh, dont tell him. Oh yeah, I don’t have one yet. Oh well I’m patient.
Comment by deborah — 01.07.07 @ 11:03 pm
Hi Bev,
I’m sure you noticed that those who insist on “wives submit to your husbands” never want to read that in context. If my understanding is correct than men are expected to love their wives even as Christ loved the church. I do not recall him barking orders. I believe he taught truth and invited us to obey. He gave his life for our sake.
As I have been led to understand, men are given their role in the home by the Lord. Not so we can compel others, but so we can be held accountable for the decisions we make. I might add that my wife is easily as intelligent as I. There are things that I know, understand, or do better than my wife. There are things that my wife knows, understands, and does better than I. There is also the great majority of things that neither of knows who is right, leading to the joy of finding out together.
Comment by Ted Moore — 01.07.07 @ 11:48 pm
Hi LaShawn, I’m rather new to your blog (followed the link from Michelle Malkin) and enjoy it very much. This is my first time commenting.
First off, I live in a pretty diverse neighborhood (mostly white with pretty much every other ethnicity too) and people are mostly quiet and “keep to themselves” but always friendly. The town I live in is a Pennsylvanian steel town and since the late 18- early 1900’s (during the height of European immigration) and has always been diverse, back then it was mostly Europeans but now is everyone. Anyone you see in the street will mostly likely smile and make friendly small talk. However, nearby us in the “town” part of town (we’re a small suburb) there is a lot more division along racial lines, and it’s not so friendly there–a definite feeling of not belonging if you go somewhere where everyone else is “not like you”. I don’t know if it’s a city thing or what but people just seem friendlier toward each other where I live. We’re a working class neighborhood so we’re not rich or anything but it’s definitely a different attitude from the city part of town.
Oh, my ideal mate–I’d love to meet a Christian (preferably Catholic, or willing to convert–if I ever have children they will be raised Catholic)who loves me as I am and doesn’t try to change me or “put a lid on me” in some way. I’ve had several relationships fail because my s.o. had to try and make a project out of me, and I couldn’t take it. I want someone who can be honest with me and with whom I can be honest without fear of every real discussion turning into an argument. I want someone who can argue with me without it turning into a vicious, personal attack. I want someone who has female friends and doesn’t have jealousy issues with my male friends, because he is mature enough to know that just because a male and female are friends, doesn’t automatically mean they want to have sex with each other. I want someone who is close to his family because he needs to understand how important my family is to me. I want someone who wants to take care of his parents when they get old instead of shipping them off to a nursing home so he doesn’t have to be “burdened”, so he’ll understand if and when, at some point, I’ll have to take care of mine. I just realized that this is essentially a list of things that I didn’t like about the men in my past relationships, so maybe that’s why they’ve all failed; I’ve never made a list of things I really wanted in a relationship and stuck to it. I don’t know if my “ideal mate” exists, but if he does, he’ll have these qualities.
P.S. Thanks to Tyrian Purple for the sage advice!!!
Comment by Griz — 01.08.07 @ 12:53 am
Hi folks -
I work in SC state government and take a few minutes each day to catch up on news. Lashawn being one of my favorite stops. In any event - thought you might find it of interest that when I clicked on the link for Steve Sailer’s “Great White Defendant” this is what popped up:
You cannot access the following Web address:
http://www.vdare.com/sailer/060430_unequal_justice.htm
This site is blocked under the following categories: Extreme
Cheers everyone!
Comment by B. Jackson — 01.08.07 @ 11:00 am
I grew up in a diverse neighborhood, mostly white, with a good number of asian and some hispanic families. I had and still have friends of all sorts and colors.
My mother is very racist and hates white folks. She still does today. She talks as if there is a some big “white conspiracy”. So, we rarely had white people at our house.
Its funny, her children have mates of other races. I’m married to an Asian woman and one of my brothers is in a long term relationship with an Asian woman. Another one is with a White woman.
I welcome diversity. I love it and am all for it. I love to find about and learn of other people’s experiences and perspectives.
Thats the thing that alot of people hate about Christianity. Christ says EVERYone is welcome, no matter what. Anyone can believe and follow Him and be with Him for eternity. And He said he is the ONLY way. Wow…
Like my pastor, who is white, says: If you are not in your Bible everyday, and praying and asking God for direction daily…you see things as a Black man in a White mans world, or a White man seeing other races “taking your country, or denying your opportunity”. Realize that this world and its ways are passing away and tell more people about this Christ.
Comment by lukeNC — 01.08.07 @ 11:28 am
I recentlymoved from 11373, the most diverse zipcode in the United States. It was full of friendly hard-working people. I did and still do adore that neighborhood. I return there frequently for church and to eat out. I moved because of bad experience with a muslim couple (my landlord and landlady) who brought some sub-optimal culture with them. They thought that it was perfectly fine to witness the burglary of my apartment and then lie to the police that they had not seen it. They then thought that when I asked them to speak to the police that it was reasonable to try to set the police upon my special needs son. I saw this as embodying the muslim belief that women need not interact with the public square and the palestinian tradition of attacking the weak. I have now moved to a somewhat less diverse part of Queens, but it is still far more diverse than most places. I came here because I could not find an equal place in 11373. People are people, but some cultural traditions do need to have the sharp edges melted off in the mnelting pot.
Comment by levi from queens — 01.08.07 @ 2:11 pm
#43:
>In most cases I think the race problems can kind of fade to >background, but the “behavior problems†(often confused as >racial traits or culture) are what move people apart.
My experience agrees quite well with this statement. I’ve lived in the same apartment in a fairly diverse area for the past 11+ years. My apartment building (6 units) has seen quite a lot of ethnic diversity over the years (black, white, hispanic, armenian, italian, asian, straight, gay, to name a few.). The only neighbor problems that have occurred in the building are inconsiderate behavior problems (excessive noise mostly), and they have not been correlated with any group.
Though some people hold preconceived notions about other groups, I have also frequently seen members of a group create/perpetuate negative stereotypes about their own group. On quite a few occasions I have observed that when confronted about their rude behavior some people choose to believe that they are being targeted for complaints because they are of one particular group. I’ve personally witnessed many individuals try to justify their rude behavior by saying “but it’s my culture”. Besides being a load of crap, this is unfortunate, because it tends to reinforce negative stereotypes about whatever group of which they happen to be a member.
I think it’s really tough in this ultra PC world we live in because we have such amazingly blatant double standards that define how we are supposed to regard groups. In some cases, judging someone by grouping is considered oh so wrong, and doing so is considered horrendously racist. In other situations it’s perfectly acceptable to judge people based on their grouping, and to not do so is considered horrendously racist.
Brett
Comment by bjp boston — 01.08.07 @ 2:46 pm
“If you live in a “diverse†neighborhood, what’s been your experience?â€
I live in a very diverse neighborhood — everyone gets along pretty well. I daresay it’s because we’re diverse racially, but not socially or economically. I would say that 99% of us graduated from college, and at least 75% have advanced degrees, and work as professionals or business owners. In my experience, it hasn’t been race that divides people, but their backgrounds.
Comment by Carol — 01.09.07 @ 8:07 pm